Grace

I have posted on my other blog about my struggle with depression.  It is something that I have had for a while but was in denial that it was in fact depression.  There is such a stigma with that word.  Anyway I went to counseling for several months for this.  I learned things about myself that were good and things that were bad.  I learned about boundaries and I learned about getting out of the pit of depression.

Truth be told this was not an easy process and although I feel as though the Lord has delivered me from these things, my flesh still fails.  Recently I have found myself cloistering away in my bedroom, wanting to be alone and away from my children.  It is hard because I have seen a change in them since this has started again.

Yesterday I laid in bed and I just started praying.  Jackson was struggling with school work and I was beyond frustrated.  The last time he came to me I yelled so loudly that after he left I burst into tears.  I cried out to God.

What had I done?

What was wrong with me?

How could I fix it?

And then He answered me. Just one word.

"Grace." 

I wasn't giving any.  I fully expect it from my Heavenly Father but I refused to give it to my own child.  This made me weep even more.  I got up and went to Jackson.  He was curled up in a ball on the couch.  His spirit broken.  I sat down with him and apologized.  I explained that I should have given him grace and I didn't.  At first he didn't want to but we sat together and worked on his math.  It took about an hour but he got it done. He had to do the work. I was just there to help him get through it.

After it was all done I realized that if I wanted help from the Lord to get out of the pit that I have eased myself back into; I must first make the choice to get out and then I have to work at it.  He will give me grace.  He will sit next to me and help me with the problems.


I love (and hate sometimes) how the Lord uses our kids to show us, His kid, what we look like to Him!




Christi