How deep are the roots?

The last few months have been a roller coaster.  I have battled with an oppressive feeling.  I finally decided to take the advice of my counselor (in Katy) and ask my doctor for a little help with medication.  I know that some may find this controversial and to be honest it has taken me a while to get to the point that I was able to see that I needed something more.

*While I know that God could and will totally deliver me from this, I also know that He has also provided other ways to help.  That includes counseling, medication and other forms of therapy.

So, I started taking an SSRI. This is to help raise the serotonin levels in my brain.  It is not a long term solution but my doctor feels like I may only have to take it for about 6 months. There is other work that needs to be done.  I knew this but didn't fully get it until about 3 weeks ago.

I was doing great. Actually, I had never felt so good.  I was happy. But then something happened.  I started feeling down. I started secluding myself again. I felt empty. Meanwhile I continued to live the way I wanted. I started feeling distant from God. I knew I needed to pray but I didn't want to. I needed to read His Word, but I was over it. I needed to go to church but the thought of being in a room full of Christians made me cringe.

I realized I was in trouble and I finally went to a friend that I could confide in.  She was extremely helpful and encouraging. She told me that I wasn't crazy but that I needed to take baby steps in getting back into it. I realized that by taking the medication I was able to have a more clear head. With that clearer head I was able to see what was going on around me....and that made me mad. Mad at God. My life does not look like I ever thought it would.

But I couldn't take it to Him. Why? I started a devotional our church has put out. As I read it I realized that my sin was keeping me from talking to Him. I couldn't even tell Him I was mad because I was living a life that was disobedient to His Word and to what He had already convicted me of.  The biggest thing was what I was allowing to enter my mind.  I was putting in junk (TV, movies, music) and as a result junk was coming out.

Through prayer and fasting I was able to go to Him. I was able to repent. And you know what? He met me! Right where I was. He met me there. I immediately felt relief.

Today as I was working in the garden outside I was pulling weeds.  I came across a weed that had roots deeper than any of the other plants. They were so deep that it took a shovel to remove them. It took me almost 10 minutes to remove one weed! God showed me in that moment that sin is like a weed. If not taken care of immediately its roots will dig deep.  They will become apart of the garden, they will be hard to remove.

I am not 100% better, but just repenting has made me feel a lot better.  I still have a lot of work to do. But I know that over time I will get there. 

2013 Part 1

The last week or so I have been really trying to listen to the Lord and hear what He has for me this new year.  The two words that keep coming to mind are Responsibility and Accountability. I have way more to expand on those two things but today, I am going to start with Accountability.

One of these aspects is reading my Bible and memorizing Scripture.  I have been teaching memory verses to my kids this year and it has been great for me too!  The Holy Spirit laid James 1:19 on my heart for my first verse of the year. It is " This we know brethren, be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger" (NASB)

There is a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. I am a wife, mother, daughter, teacher, care giver, and the list goes on and on.  I have found myself, as of late, having a very short fuse. I am easily irritated and I can see my poor attitude spill over into the lives of those closest to me.  Even as I type this my children are fighting with each other and it all boils down to someone is being impatient with the other. 

I plan to meditate on this verse in the morning and hope that the Holy Spirit will use it to remind me as my day goes on.

I shall not want......

As I have mentioned before, this has been a hard season. I have had difficulty being joyful about the birth of my Savior. I have felt overwhelmed by circumstances and have allowed myself to "go there".  If you know me then you know that is never good!

One reason I have struggled is because we are still struggling!  I assumed that once we were obedient (moved to DFW) that God would immediately "bless us" with a great job and financial stability. That is not what happened.  Instead we showed up to Ft. Worth with a job that no longer existed and a string of interviews that did not go anywhere.  I admit that both Troy and I were upset with this.  We have had to rely on my parents to help fill in the gaps.  My parents DO NOT have that kind of money. But somehow we have all made it through.

Somehow...Ha!  Am I new? I know how, I have just not wanted to look at the provision that God has given, because it's not how I would have done it!

So yesterday the kids and I sat down to work on our lessons.  The verse was Psalm 23:1, "The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want." As we went over the verse in detail and talked about the significance of the Shepherd and how He cares for His entire flock. Each of them. No matter what. I realized that God was taking care of Troy and I.  He has overly and abundantly provided for all 7 of us since the second my brood crossed the threshold of my parents home. There has not been one meal missed, one bill missed or one need left unattended. God has shown me a different way of providing for us.  It has been extremely humbling but I am ever-so grateful.

A week ago I posted a status update on Facebook that read, "I am a witness and I will TESTIFY that God provides". And He does.  He has called upon His servants to give and they have obediently and sacrificially gave to our family. And the gifts keep coming.  I amazed and in awe of Him.

I do not know when Troy will go back to work. I hope it is soon. It would be nice to get a paycheck! But I am waiting patiently on my Lord to show us the way. As Scripture promises, in this season, "I shall not want".

'Tis the Season

This Christmas season I have had a hard time getting into the "Christmas spirit". I think there are a couple of reasons; the biggest one being that we have not shopped at all. This has made me a bit grumpy and in all honesty, I have not looked forward to anything that has to do with Christmas. 

On Thursday, my Mimi died.  She was sick for many years and finally drew her last breath last week. That night I had to run some errands.  Jolly Christmas music played on the radio and I felt resentment well up in me. Resentment that we are in a tough season, resentment that my grandmother suffered for so long, resentment that life was not going the way I wanted.

And then it hit me....like a ton of bricks.

Oh come, Oh come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear

Rejoice, Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, Oh Israel!

Oh come, Thou Dayspring, come and cheer
Thy people with Thine advent here;
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight

Rejoice, Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, Oh Israel!

Oh come, Thou rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'ver the grave

Rejoice, Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, Oh Israel!
Rejoice, Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, Oh Israel!

Emmanuel- "God is with us". The Reason for Christmas. With out Him where would I be? I would be in lost world without grace, peace or Spirit. I would be hopeless in my own circumstances.  I realized that I have felt hopeless over these last few weeks but that is not because of God but because of me! I have looked to my own abilities and I have suffered because of it.

When people would ask how to pray for Mimi I would tell them to "pray she finds Jesus". That is what I wanted for her more than any physical healing or physical peace I wanted her to have spiritual healing and peace.  I am not sure if she found that. I know that the last several months of her life people were able to minister to her and she asked for her Bible.  I know that when she prayed a simple prayer for my father it was answered and she was so excited that she had "witnessed a miracle".  I believe that God gives everyone a chance to turn to Him.  Why wouldn't He? He sent His precious Son, Emmanuel, to ransom our souls! 

I will miss you, Mimi, but hold onto the Hope of the Lord that I will see you again in Glory.

Oh ye of little faith........

²⁹ Jesus left there and went along the Sea of Galilee. Then he went up on a mountainside and sat down. ³⁰ Great crowds came to him, bringing the lame, the blind, the crippled, the mute and many others, and laid them at his feet; and he healed them. ³¹ The people were amazed when they saw the mute speaking, the crippled made well, the lame walking and the blind seeing. And they praised the God of Israel.

³² Jesus called his disciples to him and said, “I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat. I do not want to send them away hungry, or they may collapse on the way.”

³³ His disciples answered, “Where could we get enough bread in this remote place to feed such a crowd?”

³⁴ “How many loaves do you have?” Jesus asked.

“Seven,” they replied, “and a few small fish.”

³⁵ He told the crowd to sit down on the ground. ³⁶ Then he took the seven loaves and the fish, and when he had given thanks, he broke them and gave them to the disciples, and they in turn to the people. ³⁷ They all ate and were satisfied. Afterward the disciples picked up seven basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. ³⁸ The number of those who ate was four thousand men, besides women and children. ³⁹ After Jesus had sent the crowd away, he got into the boat and went to the vicinity of Magadan.

Matthew 15:29-39

For the last two or more years my fear has been being able to feed my children.  It then spilled over into other aspects of our lives.  Through our financial struggle I became untrusting of my Father.  I believed that He performed miracles, for others, not for me.  I believed that He had a plan but that for me it was lost. Stolen. I would not be able to get it back. His promises would never be fulfilled because, if they were, it would have already happened and alas....it had not.  There wasn't a job that would provide for us. Which meant losing more than one home, getting ulcers thinking about how I was going to be able to buy groceries, not having insurance for my kids for several years, the list goes on.  

Luckily, the Holy Spirit does NOT fear.  He knew all the time what was going on and He was always there.  I can honestly say that we have never gone hungry.  There have been nights where popcorn and a spoonful of peanut butter was made for dinner. But my kids never went to bed without supper.  We have lost 2 homes in the last 6 months but we always had another place to go. Troy has lost jobs but the money has always come. 

So why did I doubt? Why did I have such little faith? I guess because I am human.  I was most encouraged when I was in His Word.  When I relied on my own understanding I became fearful. So when this passage of scripture was presented to me last weekend I was encouraged by our situation. 

As of Saturday the last of the little bit of money we had left was gone.  A "love offering" was taken up unbeknownst to us and we received several hundred dollars (this happened on Saturday). Since then every single night I have made dinner I have always thought, "This does not look like enough" and every single night after cooking for 4 adults and 3 children (going through growth-spurts) there are left-overs. Troy not only has one job prospect but 2. He has the potential to get to CHOOSE which one he wants! 

I love that God reminds us of His provision and faithfulness in Scripture and then turns around and shows us in our lives. Over the last 5 days I have found myself starting to ask "What about...." (fill in the blank).  But I am quickly reminded that it is not my job to worry about the 'What ifs'. I am to just do what I am called to do.  What is that you ask? Well at this moment it is staying in the Word, prayer, being a wife, mother and daughter. 

I was also reminded that God has given me a gift.  A gift to encourage. So I humbly put my 'stuff' out there for you all.  Hopefully, you are encouraged today.

Grumbling and Frustration

Felt the need to write again.  Many times I sit down at the computer without any real ideas of what to write and usually I come out with something good. So here goes!

We are over halfway into our second week in Ft. Worth.  At this moment Troy is sitting next to me reading a book; it is a Monday at noon.  I find myself getting a little frustrated.  Frustrated that there is still not a job and that our bank account is slowly dwindling.  We came here literally on a hope and a prayer. Funny, as I type this the Israelites come to mind. They left Egypt with nothing. All they had was a hope and a prayer that life would be better on the other side.  They did not have extra food.  They did not have permanent shelter.  They did not know what was in store.  God performed great miracles for them during this time.  He led them in the desert for 40 years!  *Dear Lord, please don't make me wander for 40 years.* He provided food, shelter, and safety.  Eventually, they ended up in the Promised Land. 

So as I sit frustrated I think of the Israelites.  They were frustrated too at times.  They saw miracles.  They witnessed God moving yet they grumbled.  God remained faithful.  As the Holy Spirit reminds me of the struggles of those before me I am comforted that 1) God has a plan, 2) God is trustworthy, 3) God wants what is best for me, 4) God is faithful. 

The kids and I are learning about God's faithfulness in our homeschool lives.  Each day we are learning a different way that God kept his promise.  Today was the story of the Israelites and the river.  The Ark went before them, the water stopped, the people crossed as the Ark (the presence of God) stayed in the middle of the dry river bottom.  After all of the people were across the Ark was taken to the shore.  What an amazing picture of God.  He went before them and made a way (through the trial) and He waited for them to pass through.  He did not go ahead until they were all safely through. 

It has been a week and 2 days since we moved to Ft. Worth.  It has been pretty uneventful (which is pretty amazing).  The first days were spent rushing around trying to unpack, organize and clean.  Troy and I decided that Saturday and Sunday would be spent resting.  In that time of rest I had time to process the events that had transpired.  The reality of my stuff in my parent's home hit me.  It feels surreal.  I am so grateful that they are willing to let us live with them.  I am grateful for my own room (with a door, we thought we would be in the office at first).  I am grateful for an easy transition with the kids.  I have had to maintain that mindset otherwise I feel myself getting anxious.  I begin to feel anxiety about the friends and church I left behind.  I feel anxious about the change.  This is not what the Lord wants for me.  Remember "be anxious about nothing but in every situation with prayer and petition give thanks to the Lord"? This has been going through my mind and I am trying to maintain a mindset of thankfulness. 

This is the "month of thanksgiving" but as a Christ-follower I must be thankful always!  It is still weird waking up in a different room and walking into my parent's living room with all of my furniture in it.  But I am thankful that I have a place to call home.  I am thankful that God led us here.  I am thankful that He is faithful and that He already has a complete plan for me.