I have thought about blogging a few times. A fleeting thought. I have been so consumed with myself this last month that my walk with the Lord has not moved. I have not been seeking Him as I should. I have been too busy. Too caught up in my own stuff.
I never felt the true meaning of Christmas this year. I never focused on Jesus. I never even went to church. There were just too many other things going on.
I have started my new job this month. I am truly blessed by that. I am so thankful. Yet I have not taken the time to thank him. I have not spent anytime alone with Him.
It takes a lot to admit this to the public. This is where I am. I know that I am wrong. I am in a state of repentance. I know that He is faithful and will welcome me back. But that doesn't give me the right to abuse His grace.
No one wants to admit they are "grace -abusers" but we all are at some point in our lives. I am resolved to change this. I am tired of being tired and feeling empty. I know that those feelings are a direct result of my lack of movement with the Lord.
What about you? How is your walk? Could it be better? Is He first?
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Sad...an update
The little girl that I wrote about yesterday, the one the Lord used to break my heart, is no longer available. A family has found her. A family that is in the process of their homestudy. I am greatly saddened that she will not be ours but I am overjoyed that she is going to have a forever family. Only the Lord knows the plans for her and for us.
For I know the plans for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper and not to harm plans to give you HOPE and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Life Changing
I had a moment of panic over the Thanksgiving holiday. The Lord has called us to something HUGE! I mean life changing, people may not understand, this is gonna cost a ton of money, HUGE! The thing is He called us in the middle of this foreclosure and transition time with jobs. It makes no sense. Well, at least not to us!
Over the last several months the Lord has broken our hearts for what breaks His. He has shown us the immoral acts against children in this world. He has shown us the orphan that is not being cared for. He has called Troy and I to do something about it. At this moment we are looking into international adoption. More so a really large country in Europe that I won't name at this time. He has put a beautiful little girl on our hearts that has an extra chromosome. Because of this she is unwanted. But the Lord reminds us that she is fearfully and wonderfully made. She is older, 6 to be exact. She has never had a Mommy or Daddy. Who knows if she has ever felt love. This is a large step of faith for us. This is going to cost more money than Troy makes in a year. So how can we do this?
As soon as we felt like this is where we should go I began researching. Y'all let me just tell you the cost of the adoption is really a ransom. That is what I have come to understand. There are fees every which way and they are at times ridiculous, but they are necessary to free her from a life without love and affection from parents and siblings. As I called agencies and talked to others about all of this I was immediately overwhelmed. The reality set in that we would have to wait until our house situation was settled. Surprisingly we make more than enough money to qualify for adoption in her country, we just need to have some things sorted out first to show stability.
She will have to wait. She has been waiting for almost 7 years. My heart breaks.
I confronted my sweet husband with my sadness this past week. I am sad because she may not still be there when we are ready. She is waiting and we are just sitting here. Well, not really but it sure feels that way. What to do? I blamed my sweet hubby for this all. I said he didn't really want her and that is why we were at a stalemate. Then with love and tenderness he directed me to the real reason we were waiting. It wasn't finances, it wasn't our house, it wasn't the car that only fits 5, it wasn't his job. It was God that we were waiting for. He had broken our hearts and had given us a face. He just hasn't said "Go".
Each day I look at her picture. Making sure she is still available. She is. Hopefully for us but it could be for another reason. This path is so uncertain to us that it can be completely overwhelming. As I stated in my post yesterday; I am going to rely on the Lord because I just mess it all up when I try to fix it. So if you think about it pray for us and the sweet little girl thousands of miles away without a Mommy and Daddy.
Over the last several months the Lord has broken our hearts for what breaks His. He has shown us the immoral acts against children in this world. He has shown us the orphan that is not being cared for. He has called Troy and I to do something about it. At this moment we are looking into international adoption. More so a really large country in Europe that I won't name at this time. He has put a beautiful little girl on our hearts that has an extra chromosome. Because of this she is unwanted. But the Lord reminds us that she is fearfully and wonderfully made. She is older, 6 to be exact. She has never had a Mommy or Daddy. Who knows if she has ever felt love. This is a large step of faith for us. This is going to cost more money than Troy makes in a year. So how can we do this?
As soon as we felt like this is where we should go I began researching. Y'all let me just tell you the cost of the adoption is really a ransom. That is what I have come to understand. There are fees every which way and they are at times ridiculous, but they are necessary to free her from a life without love and affection from parents and siblings. As I called agencies and talked to others about all of this I was immediately overwhelmed. The reality set in that we would have to wait until our house situation was settled. Surprisingly we make more than enough money to qualify for adoption in her country, we just need to have some things sorted out first to show stability.
She will have to wait. She has been waiting for almost 7 years. My heart breaks.
I confronted my sweet husband with my sadness this past week. I am sad because she may not still be there when we are ready. She is waiting and we are just sitting here. Well, not really but it sure feels that way. What to do? I blamed my sweet hubby for this all. I said he didn't really want her and that is why we were at a stalemate. Then with love and tenderness he directed me to the real reason we were waiting. It wasn't finances, it wasn't our house, it wasn't the car that only fits 5, it wasn't his job. It was God that we were waiting for. He had broken our hearts and had given us a face. He just hasn't said "Go".
Each day I look at her picture. Making sure she is still available. She is. Hopefully for us but it could be for another reason. This path is so uncertain to us that it can be completely overwhelming. As I stated in my post yesterday; I am going to rely on the Lord because I just mess it all up when I try to fix it. So if you think about it pray for us and the sweet little girl thousands of miles away without a Mommy and Daddy.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
It's not what I thought....
but I'll take it! We have been going through a lot of rough financial things this last year. It has been almost a constant struggle. God was always in control and He gave us a little boost whenever we needed it most. I truly believe that He allowed us to struggle so that we would learn to rely on Him. For almost 10 years I have wondered why He would allow these extreme lows with our finances but I finally have figured it out. It was all about God wanting to care for us directly.
As a human with a sinful nature I have learned to rely on myself. I am imperfect and as a result my life has been nothing short of a disaster at times. Learning to rely on the Lord, the One whom is perfect in all ways, I have begun to realize has made my life a whole lot less stressful. Knowing that the outcome is in my Maker's hands is so comforting.
Recently we have been fighting a foreclosure on our home. This is the second one in less than a year. Although Troy is working two jobs our income is not enough to get us through each month with a very large mortgage payment. There were times in this process I was mad at ourselves for choosing to buy this home. But the Lord reminded me that we were prayerful and that we were obedient to Him in buying this home. Also, when we bought this home we were both working full time and making 3 times what Troy is making now. So we didn't go outside of our means.
These are all things that have been going through my head. But the Lord has been faithful. He has remained steadfast with us. He has not forsaken us. He promised me that this "is not a season of foreclosure". He used others to encourage us along the way. Not once in this time did a big check come in the mail. Not once did I ask others for help. The Lord led us. He told us what we could and couldn't share with others. He told us not to take this out of His hands. Trust. That is what He wanted.
In September, we were able to file for assistance through our bank. We did and never heard back. We were very frustrated. But we knew that we should keep waiting. Everything in my being said do something about it. FIX IT!! But the Holy Spirit said "Wait.". So we did. The Lord put people directly in our path that helped us through this process. People that we didn't even know existed (since our last foreclosure experience was so bad). There were weeks when we did not hear ANYTHING from ANYONE not even the Lord. The whole entire time there was nothing but peace. Troy and I knew that He was in control.
After months and months we have been approved for a trial mortgage modification. This is not what we expected. At this point it is moot anyway, because I have a job, essentially I am doubling our income. We will no longer qualify after this trial period. What I do know is that this all had to happen to keep us in our home until I could start working. God is in the details.
I know this was a long post but I really felt the Lord wanted to me to share this really cool story. There is so much more but these are some of the good parts!
As a human with a sinful nature I have learned to rely on myself. I am imperfect and as a result my life has been nothing short of a disaster at times. Learning to rely on the Lord, the One whom is perfect in all ways, I have begun to realize has made my life a whole lot less stressful. Knowing that the outcome is in my Maker's hands is so comforting.
Recently we have been fighting a foreclosure on our home. This is the second one in less than a year. Although Troy is working two jobs our income is not enough to get us through each month with a very large mortgage payment. There were times in this process I was mad at ourselves for choosing to buy this home. But the Lord reminded me that we were prayerful and that we were obedient to Him in buying this home. Also, when we bought this home we were both working full time and making 3 times what Troy is making now. So we didn't go outside of our means.
These are all things that have been going through my head. But the Lord has been faithful. He has remained steadfast with us. He has not forsaken us. He promised me that this "is not a season of foreclosure". He used others to encourage us along the way. Not once in this time did a big check come in the mail. Not once did I ask others for help. The Lord led us. He told us what we could and couldn't share with others. He told us not to take this out of His hands. Trust. That is what He wanted.
In September, we were able to file for assistance through our bank. We did and never heard back. We were very frustrated. But we knew that we should keep waiting. Everything in my being said do something about it. FIX IT!! But the Holy Spirit said "Wait.". So we did. The Lord put people directly in our path that helped us through this process. People that we didn't even know existed (since our last foreclosure experience was so bad). There were weeks when we did not hear ANYTHING from ANYONE not even the Lord. The whole entire time there was nothing but peace. Troy and I knew that He was in control.
After months and months we have been approved for a trial mortgage modification. This is not what we expected. At this point it is moot anyway, because I have a job, essentially I am doubling our income. We will no longer qualify after this trial period. What I do know is that this all had to happen to keep us in our home until I could start working. God is in the details.
I know this was a long post but I really felt the Lord wanted to me to share this really cool story. There is so much more but these are some of the good parts!
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Psalm 3:5
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Eternal Thankfulness
On Facebook everyone, including me, has been counting days of thankfulness. Each morning when I log on I think of something that I am thankful for. Some days it is harder than others. There is always something to be thankful for we just have to intentionally look for it sometimes.
This got me thinking. Am I intentionally looking at what I can be thankful for (outside of the month of November)? Do my actions reflect that I am truly thankful? Am I teaching my children to be truly thankful? These are all good and serious questions. The repercussions of the answers can be life changing.
So what is the answer?
For me, I go in waves. There are times when I can't help but see how blessed I am to have even been created. Then there are those days when staying in bed with the covers pulled over my head sounds much better. There is an ebb and flow; I guess. Isn't that human nature? You know the sinful part of us?
A dear, sweet woman from church passed away on Thursday. As I think about her life my thoughts naturally drift to her new life in heaven. She is now with Jesus. She is spending eternity with the One who saved her. Talk about thankfulness! Eternal thankfulness.
Thankfulness is something that is chosen while here. It is intentional. I believe that when we are in heaven at the feet of Jesus our thankfulness will be much more than just an intentional act. It will flow from us without any reservation. I don't even think we will be able to stop it. It will be that eternal thankfulness. So I ask myself and you this....Can we have eternal thankfulness on Earth?
This got me thinking. Am I intentionally looking at what I can be thankful for (outside of the month of November)? Do my actions reflect that I am truly thankful? Am I teaching my children to be truly thankful? These are all good and serious questions. The repercussions of the answers can be life changing.
So what is the answer?
For me, I go in waves. There are times when I can't help but see how blessed I am to have even been created. Then there are those days when staying in bed with the covers pulled over my head sounds much better. There is an ebb and flow; I guess. Isn't that human nature? You know the sinful part of us?
A dear, sweet woman from church passed away on Thursday. As I think about her life my thoughts naturally drift to her new life in heaven. She is now with Jesus. She is spending eternity with the One who saved her. Talk about thankfulness! Eternal thankfulness.
Thankfulness is something that is chosen while here. It is intentional. I believe that when we are in heaven at the feet of Jesus our thankfulness will be much more than just an intentional act. It will flow from us without any reservation. I don't even think we will be able to stop it. It will be that eternal thankfulness. So I ask myself and you this....Can we have eternal thankfulness on Earth?
Friday, November 18, 2011
Friends for a Season
It has been a while. Lot's of things going on here. I am gearing up to start at The Creator's Kids. It has kept me really busy. We have had new developments on our home/financial situation. We are doing pretty well actually. Just busy.
I have noticed a change in relationships this past season in my life. I have some really great friends. There have just been changes. I went to a surprise birthday for one and as I sat around the table and looked at each one of the ladies I realized that it had been way too long since I had spent time with them. I used to do life with them and that has changed for one way or another. Sad.
Today I spent time with a friend that I simply cherish. She has such a heart for the Lord. I am glad He has placed her in my path. She and I talked for a long time and just shared with each other our struggles and our lives.
I don't feel as though I have lost any friends at all. I just feel like some relationships have changed. I know that is okay, just a little sad when you first think about it. I truly believe that God places people in your life at the right moment to fit whatever season you are in.
I love that about Him.
I have noticed a change in relationships this past season in my life. I have some really great friends. There have just been changes. I went to a surprise birthday for one and as I sat around the table and looked at each one of the ladies I realized that it had been way too long since I had spent time with them. I used to do life with them and that has changed for one way or another. Sad.
Today I spent time with a friend that I simply cherish. She has such a heart for the Lord. I am glad He has placed her in my path. She and I talked for a long time and just shared with each other our struggles and our lives.
I don't feel as though I have lost any friends at all. I just feel like some relationships have changed. I know that is okay, just a little sad when you first think about it. I truly believe that God places people in your life at the right moment to fit whatever season you are in.
I love that about Him.
Monday, November 7, 2011
It's hard to celebrate....
a birthday or a milestone in life when there are an estimated 163,000,000 orphans in the world! That is such a staggering number!
Yesterday the kids and I went to a birthday party. My friend did a FANTASTIC job with the theme. It was really cute. Her son loves the Fresh Beat Band. She had several instruments, music and even color sheets with the characters on them. The kids had a blast. When it came time to open presents I watched as each child (there were between 15 and 20) eagerly waited for the little boy to open ALL of his presents. They were all so excited and squealed as he tore the paper. The look on their faces was shear joy.
Sadness struck. I fought back tears. Thinking of the children who have NEVER had a birthday party. Children who have NEVER received a present. If we choose to adopt a child from an orphanage will that child even know what to do with a box wrapped in shiny paper? Will they even understand children coming over and singing to them and then scarfing down an endless amount of cake and ice cream? Do they know what cake is? Do they know that celebrating the day of your birth is significant?
I am not by any means saying it is bad to celebrate your birthday. But it is bad to turn your back on the orphans of this world. Maybe you will adopt. Maybe you will foster. Maybe you will be a safe home. Maybe you will send money. Maybe you will pray. You have to do something. The Lord commands it.
What will you do?
Yesterday the kids and I went to a birthday party. My friend did a FANTASTIC job with the theme. It was really cute. Her son loves the Fresh Beat Band. She had several instruments, music and even color sheets with the characters on them. The kids had a blast. When it came time to open presents I watched as each child (there were between 15 and 20) eagerly waited for the little boy to open ALL of his presents. They were all so excited and squealed as he tore the paper. The look on their faces was shear joy.
Sadness struck. I fought back tears. Thinking of the children who have NEVER had a birthday party. Children who have NEVER received a present. If we choose to adopt a child from an orphanage will that child even know what to do with a box wrapped in shiny paper? Will they even understand children coming over and singing to them and then scarfing down an endless amount of cake and ice cream? Do they know what cake is? Do they know that celebrating the day of your birth is significant?
I am not by any means saying it is bad to celebrate your birthday. But it is bad to turn your back on the orphans of this world. Maybe you will adopt. Maybe you will foster. Maybe you will be a safe home. Maybe you will send money. Maybe you will pray. You have to do something. The Lord commands it.
What will you do?
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Decisions
Hey friends. I just thought I would make a quick post. Nothing too exciting going on. The Lord is still working on me but I don't have much to say about it right now. This last week I struggled with pain from endometriosis. The pain was a bit extreme from what it normally is. I have been advised to have a partial hysterectomy and I believe that now I am finally ready to take the plunge. This decision is huge. It means no matter what I will not bear a child ever again. I will no longer have a womb. The implications of that are HUGE! I feel peace about it though. I am confident that we are done "giving birth" to children, not done having children! I really feel like the Lord is going to grow our little family of 5 into something bigger but that they are going to come from somewhere else. This is exciting to me. The anticipation is a bit maddening at times but I am confident in the Lord. He has a perfect plan!
Monday, October 24, 2011
I don't want to learn a lesson today!
These last few weeks the Lord has really been dealing with my heart. It has taken weeks because I keep going back to my old ways.
Yesterday I was very irritated with our ABF, only because God was putting my issues right in front of me! I hate that! I really wish He would just free me of myself and let me go about life. Alas, that is not how it works. I know in the end I will be a better servant for Him, but now I am just not in the mood to learn this lesson. Not today.
Today the words "I have no mercy for you." came out of my mouth. As soon as I said it I was appalled at my own self. Surely, I would not want to be treated that way. Yet I chose to treat someone else that way. Someone that I love so dearly that I would give my life for.
I immediately thought of how Jesus loves me the same way. How He did give His life for me. How He shows me NEW MERCIES every day! And today. I could not. I would not. Immediately I knew I should repent. But those same old heart issues are there. Now I know why the Lord is working on me.
Yesterday I was very irritated with our ABF, only because God was putting my issues right in front of me! I hate that! I really wish He would just free me of myself and let me go about life. Alas, that is not how it works. I know in the end I will be a better servant for Him, but now I am just not in the mood to learn this lesson. Not today.
Today the words "I have no mercy for you." came out of my mouth. As soon as I said it I was appalled at my own self. Surely, I would not want to be treated that way. Yet I chose to treat someone else that way. Someone that I love so dearly that I would give my life for.
I immediately thought of how Jesus loves me the same way. How He did give His life for me. How He shows me NEW MERCIES every day! And today. I could not. I would not. Immediately I knew I should repent. But those same old heart issues are there. Now I know why the Lord is working on me.
I will recount the steadfast love of the LORD, the praises of the
LORD, according to all that the LORD has granted us, and the great
goodness to the house of Israel that he has granted them according to
his compassion, according to the abundance of his steadfast love.
Isaiah 63:6-8
Isaiah 63:6-8
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
I just love how God works. He has been silent these last few weeks but He has not been gone. He has been working on our behalf. I know this because I have been at peace about everything. I know this because in the last 24 hours some really cool and unexpected things have happened. I just still can't believe how good He is.
Things are still not settled 100% but the cool thing is that God is still working. I know this because He has promised us He would. He tells us so in His Word.
Are you feeling down? Are you wondering where God is? Do you think that you are alone? I know how all of your questions can be answered. It is in His Word. Even when you don't hear an audible voice, the pages of the Bible will speak to you with the power of the Holy Spirit.
Just wanted to encourage someone today!
Things are still not settled 100% but the cool thing is that God is still working. I know this because He has promised us He would. He tells us so in His Word.
Are you feeling down? Are you wondering where God is? Do you think that you are alone? I know how all of your questions can be answered. It is in His Word. Even when you don't hear an audible voice, the pages of the Bible will speak to you with the power of the Holy Spirit.
Just wanted to encourage someone today!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Just Live
A few days ago I posted about how the Lord has been quiet. I was still feeling at peace about everything, I just didn't know if I was supposed to be doing anything. We all think of that analogy that you hear about the man on the roof in a flood. Three different people come to save him, but he turns them all away saying God will save him. Subsequently he dies. When he gets to heaven he asks God why didn't he save him, and the Lord says, "I tried 3 times". I don't want to have the same thing happen to me.
I was reminded by my mom yesterday about the Israelites in Babylon. They were in a bad spot but God told them to just live. They weren't to do anything. Just go on with life. We all know that they were rescued. They were His chosen people. I am saved by the blood of Christ and now that I have been adopted into His family, I am chosen. He will save me.
The Lord is faithful. On Friday, Troy was able to talk to someone about our house situation. The person said that we had a very good chance of getting this resolved. He also stated that at the moment we needed to just wait. Hmmm....just live? Okay, Lord. I will do just that.
I was reminded by my mom yesterday about the Israelites in Babylon. They were in a bad spot but God told them to just live. They weren't to do anything. Just go on with life. We all know that they were rescued. They were His chosen people. I am saved by the blood of Christ and now that I have been adopted into His family, I am chosen. He will save me.
The Lord is faithful. On Friday, Troy was able to talk to someone about our house situation. The person said that we had a very good chance of getting this resolved. He also stated that at the moment we needed to just wait. Hmmm....just live? Okay, Lord. I will do just that.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Silence
Yesterday I was talking to my sweet husband about our situation. I was asking him what he felt like the Lord was telling him, if anything. He didn't know. He was not hearing anything. This is something that we both agree on. I have not heard anything from Him either. It is weird. It is so quiet. 2 weeks ago the Lord laid a huge burden on my heart and after praying about it Troy and I were both in agreement about it. Let me tell you that this is a LIFE CHANGING thing. But as soon as we said "Yes, we will do it", the Lord went silent.
The even stranger thing about this whole scenario is that both Troy and I are at peace. It is so bizarre. You would think that not hearing from God (especially after he asks you to do something) would be nerve racking. But it hasn't been.
I feel like we have just been going through the motions since then. Doing what little we can in preparation for these changes. I am trusting that the Lord is going ahead of us down this new path, paving it for us. Preparing the hearts of those that we will encounter. When you think about it that way it is pretty darn cool!
This blog is about my journey with the Lord. It is not always easy. Not because of Him but because of me. I think that once you realize that it makes the journey so much more smooth and enjoyable.
By the way, I know I am being cryptic. I have shared with only a few friends what the Lord has called us to do. We have not told everyone yet because I don't feel like we are supposed to yet, so stay tuned! :)
The even stranger thing about this whole scenario is that both Troy and I are at peace. It is so bizarre. You would think that not hearing from God (especially after he asks you to do something) would be nerve racking. But it hasn't been.
I feel like we have just been going through the motions since then. Doing what little we can in preparation for these changes. I am trusting that the Lord is going ahead of us down this new path, paving it for us. Preparing the hearts of those that we will encounter. When you think about it that way it is pretty darn cool!
This blog is about my journey with the Lord. It is not always easy. Not because of Him but because of me. I think that once you realize that it makes the journey so much more smooth and enjoyable.
By the way, I know I am being cryptic. I have shared with only a few friends what the Lord has called us to do. We have not told everyone yet because I don't feel like we are supposed to yet, so stay tuned! :)
Monday, October 10, 2011
Learning to Pray
Our pastor is doing a series called "Facetime". In this series he is teaching us how to pray. He is challenging us to pray a "Spirit led, Scripture fed" prayer life. He has told us to never enter a prayer without our Bibles. He has taught us to recognize who God is in the Word and then how to respond. This has been a huge learning experience for me. This has taught me to seek His face and not His hands. Sure God can give me anything but what He really wants to do is give me a relationship. It has been really good.
I know the Lord is calling us in new directions. I feel it. I just don't have a clear word from Him yet. Troy and I are in a holding pattern. It can be tough to be in that place sometimes. I am just trying to trust and let Him take care of the details.
I know the Lord is calling us in new directions. I feel it. I just don't have a clear word from Him yet. Troy and I are in a holding pattern. It can be tough to be in that place sometimes. I am just trying to trust and let Him take care of the details.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Want a Quilt? A fundraiser for ADOPTION!
My best friend, Mindy,
is adopting a sweet sweet boy in a couple of weeks. He is so precious.
His name is "Frank" but it will soon be Henry. He is only 2 months old
and his parents are here on work visa's. They love little "Frank" but
you see he has Down Syndrome. In China, people who are a little
different are not accepted. He will never be allowed to go to school.
He will not be allowed to be seen in public. His birth parents love him
so much they are willing to give him to a family that will love him and
give him the best life!
Adoption costs money. The Lord called and the Churchill's said "YES!". They didn't know how they would raise the funds but the Lord does. So right now you can check out their fundraiser. Mindy is an awesome quilter! Please check out her blog. You can win one of 4 quilts!!!! I LOVE those odds! I have one of her quilts and let me tell you....I LOVE IT!!!!
Thank you for considering!!!
Adoption costs money. The Lord called and the Churchill's said "YES!". They didn't know how they would raise the funds but the Lord does. So right now you can check out their fundraiser. Mindy is an awesome quilter! Please check out her blog. You can win one of 4 quilts!!!! I LOVE those odds! I have one of her quilts and let me tell you....I LOVE IT!!!!
Thank you for considering!!!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
The Lord Works
The Lord has been so good to me. I have been down some windy paths but He has always been before me holding a torch when it was dark. Recently He has began working in the hearts of both Troy and I. There are big changes coming. Nothing I can talk about now. But soon. Real soon.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Break my Heart for What Breaks Yours
I am broken hearted. I am burdened. I am so very very sad.
This world is filled with millions of orphans. Whether they are in the United States of far off in a land that you have never been. They are there. Their nationality is irrelevant.
What is like to never feel love? What is it like to never feel the human touch for anything other than a quick diaper change and a feeding? What is like to be made to stay in your bed for 24 hours a day? What is like to cry and have no one to respond? What is it like to not know hope? To not know that Jesus loves you?
These are things that are happening. Right now. This hour. This minute as you read my post.
Yesterday I broke down. The thought of Celine going to an institution because no one will answer the call of the Lord and adopt her.Or Kennedy and Danielle who have already transferred to an institution. How can this be happening?
It hit me that if these feelings of sadness were this overwhelming for me, how did my Heavenly Father feel? These babies are made in His own image. How does He feel when He sees them sinned against on a daily basis? What about those that do not get to be adopted? Those that go to die a slow painful death in an institution somewhere.
Then I remembered something that He taught me on Sunday. He is Omniscient. He knows all that was, is and will come! He has a plan. Some of these children will not be saved. But many of them will. I don't know if it will be me or if it is YOU.
But what I do know is that the Lord has broken my heart for what breaks His. I beg you to ask Him to do the same thing. What will you do to help these orphans? Please look at Reece's Rainbow. Please consider adoption. Just look at the faces. Don't look or think about the dollar amounts. God has unlimited funds.
This world is filled with millions of orphans. Whether they are in the United States of far off in a land that you have never been. They are there. Their nationality is irrelevant.
What is like to never feel love? What is it like to never feel the human touch for anything other than a quick diaper change and a feeding? What is like to be made to stay in your bed for 24 hours a day? What is like to cry and have no one to respond? What is it like to not know hope? To not know that Jesus loves you?
These are things that are happening. Right now. This hour. This minute as you read my post.
Yesterday I broke down. The thought of Celine going to an institution because no one will answer the call of the Lord and adopt her.Or Kennedy and Danielle who have already transferred to an institution. How can this be happening?
It hit me that if these feelings of sadness were this overwhelming for me, how did my Heavenly Father feel? These babies are made in His own image. How does He feel when He sees them sinned against on a daily basis? What about those that do not get to be adopted? Those that go to die a slow painful death in an institution somewhere.
Then I remembered something that He taught me on Sunday. He is Omniscient. He knows all that was, is and will come! He has a plan. Some of these children will not be saved. But many of them will. I don't know if it will be me or if it is YOU.
But what I do know is that the Lord has broken my heart for what breaks His. I beg you to ask Him to do the same thing. What will you do to help these orphans? Please look at Reece's Rainbow. Please consider adoption. Just look at the faces. Don't look or think about the dollar amounts. God has unlimited funds.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
I know I am crazy!
I am not going to lie. In the midst of all of this uncertainty I have lost my mind! Well, at least it may look that way! I have been reading blog after blog about orphans overseas. I have been heartbroken and torn as to what to do. I have wanted to jump on a plane and just go over there and rescue them all. Reading Radical hasn't helped with these thoughts either!
I can't! I don't have the 10's of thousands of dollars. I am in the midst of my own chaos right now with our home and job situation. What the heck!?!?! Then today as I read a blog about a sweet sweet family I realized that this is not something that can't be done. Why? Because God is bigger! I don't know what Troy and I are going to do. I did find a little girl on Reece's Rainbow that is almost fully funded. That means that other people have donated enough money to her so that a family can adopt her. She is beautiful and my heart melted when I looked at her beautiful face. She is 6. She needs a Daddy and a Mommy.
So I know I am crazy! If you see me in the hall I don't need you to tell me! The Lord is going to have to do big things for us if we are going to try this road. But it is kinda exciting! Even if it is only a dream right now!
I can't! I don't have the 10's of thousands of dollars. I am in the midst of my own chaos right now with our home and job situation. What the heck!?!?! Then today as I read a blog about a sweet sweet family I realized that this is not something that can't be done. Why? Because God is bigger! I don't know what Troy and I are going to do. I did find a little girl on Reece's Rainbow that is almost fully funded. That means that other people have donated enough money to her so that a family can adopt her. She is beautiful and my heart melted when I looked at her beautiful face. She is 6. She needs a Daddy and a Mommy.
So I know I am crazy! If you see me in the hall I don't need you to tell me! The Lord is going to have to do big things for us if we are going to try this road. But it is kinda exciting! Even if it is only a dream right now!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Fasting and Answers
I have never truly fasted from food. I have never really tried. But in all of the craziness going on in our home I felt that I needed to. I don't know what I expected to get from it but I just felt like maybe God would answer my prayers more quickly.
I fasted for one day. It was hard at times but I got through it. Towards the end I felt like fasting for an answer that day was not going to happen. I really think this realization was from the Lord. But what I did get was clarity.
We sang a song in church on Sunday. The chorus goes:
I'm running to your arms
I'm running to your arms
The richness of your love will always be enough
Nothing compares to your embrace
Light of the world forever reigns.
The line that says "The richness of your love will always be enough" was the only the thing that I could think of during this time of fasting. Any underlying anxiety I had was completely wiped away. And one day later the Lord opened a huge door!
I am so thankful for a faithful God. Here is a song that I just love!
"If I call, will You come
When I cry, do You hear
I believe every tear
Is caught up by a faithful God
So I will cry until You come
Cast my cares into Your arms
I can't see past this storm
But I'm counting on a faithful God
Faithful God
You hold my life secure
All my days are Yours
I believe
My God is like a fire defending me
Faithfully
I believe You still heal
And demons still bow
I'm convinced there is power
In trusting in a faithful God
So I will praise till You appear
And set Your foot upon this shore
I declare that every foe
Is subject to my faithful God
I know that You are mine
And I am Yours, I am Yours
I know Your faithfulness
It will endure, it will endure"
I fasted for one day. It was hard at times but I got through it. Towards the end I felt like fasting for an answer that day was not going to happen. I really think this realization was from the Lord. But what I did get was clarity.
We sang a song in church on Sunday. The chorus goes:
I'm running to your arms
I'm running to your arms
The richness of your love will always be enough
Nothing compares to your embrace
Light of the world forever reigns.
The line that says "The richness of your love will always be enough" was the only the thing that I could think of during this time of fasting. Any underlying anxiety I had was completely wiped away. And one day later the Lord opened a huge door!
I am so thankful for a faithful God. Here is a song that I just love!
"If I call, will You come
When I cry, do You hear
I believe every tear
Is caught up by a faithful God
So I will cry until You come
Cast my cares into Your arms
I can't see past this storm
But I'm counting on a faithful God
Faithful God
You hold my life secure
All my days are Yours
I believe
My God is like a fire defending me
Faithfully
I believe You still heal
And demons still bow
I'm convinced there is power
In trusting in a faithful God
So I will praise till You appear
And set Your foot upon this shore
I declare that every foe
Is subject to my faithful God
I know that You are mine
And I am Yours, I am Yours
I know Your faithfulness
It will endure, it will endure"
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Bring it!
Right after I posted about how I was at peace with what the Lord was doing something new happened. Our plumber (who is a good and trusted friend) told us that we had to take out our entire shower and replace it. It has been leaking and has caused a lot of damage. Luckily he is going to help and the cost although not cheap is minimal compared to what we could have had to pay.
I immediatly thought of my blog. I thought of how I had just told the world that I felt that peace that passes all understanding. How I was trusting the Lord fully and then moments later I find this out! I thought about never blogging again. Never telling another soul about what God was or wasn't doing. I was just going to go silent.
And then the Lord reminded me of Job. Last week we read the first chapter of Job. Poor Job. He was the only righteous man in all of the east. Imagine that! Yet when Satan came crawling in before the Lord, God offered him Job. Satan was allowed to do anything he wanted but he had to spare Job's life. So the enemy does what the enemy does. He killed his children, livestock and servants. Leaving Job broke and without a family. Still Job remained faithful. He cried out to God but he did not waiver in his faith. A second time Satan came back and God asked, "Have you considered my servant, Job?". So Satan gave Job a horrible disease that caused him to have painful boils. Through all of this he was faithful. And here is the part that stuck out to me. The part where the Lord said "Listen up!". Job's wife told him to curse God and die. She thought that if he did then his misery would end.
For a split moment I thought that if I just kept silent my misery would end. God does not call us so that we can have an easy life on earth! He calls us so that we can love Him and others. And when we do that Satan HATES us for it! I woke up this morning with an encouraging email from my sweet friend telling me that last night the Lord showed her that she was going through her own struggles for His glory. She wanted to encourage me in my struggles as well. God is so good!
So I WILL NOT curse God and die! I will continue to share His goodness with others! I have two words for the enemy...BRING IT! I am already covered in the Blood of Christ. You may attack but in the end...we win!
I immediatly thought of my blog. I thought of how I had just told the world that I felt that peace that passes all understanding. How I was trusting the Lord fully and then moments later I find this out! I thought about never blogging again. Never telling another soul about what God was or wasn't doing. I was just going to go silent.
And then the Lord reminded me of Job. Last week we read the first chapter of Job. Poor Job. He was the only righteous man in all of the east. Imagine that! Yet when Satan came crawling in before the Lord, God offered him Job. Satan was allowed to do anything he wanted but he had to spare Job's life. So the enemy does what the enemy does. He killed his children, livestock and servants. Leaving Job broke and without a family. Still Job remained faithful. He cried out to God but he did not waiver in his faith. A second time Satan came back and God asked, "Have you considered my servant, Job?". So Satan gave Job a horrible disease that caused him to have painful boils. Through all of this he was faithful. And here is the part that stuck out to me. The part where the Lord said "Listen up!". Job's wife told him to curse God and die. She thought that if he did then his misery would end.
For a split moment I thought that if I just kept silent my misery would end. God does not call us so that we can have an easy life on earth! He calls us so that we can love Him and others. And when we do that Satan HATES us for it! I woke up this morning with an encouraging email from my sweet friend telling me that last night the Lord showed her that she was going through her own struggles for His glory. She wanted to encourage me in my struggles as well. God is so good!
So I WILL NOT curse God and die! I will continue to share His goodness with others! I have two words for the enemy...BRING IT! I am already covered in the Blood of Christ. You may attack but in the end...we win!
Friday, September 9, 2011
Just Peace
With all of the stuff going on it can get a little hectic. I can start to feel a little overwhelmed at times. The Brown's are going through some really big things right now. Last night I was with friends and of course they all want to know how I am doing and how the family is. They all want to know if everything is better. Well, it is not! But as I told my friends about what God was doing (even if I can't see it yet) and how much I trusted Him in this storm a huge peace came over me. I realized as I was talking that I truly believed what I was saying. I truly believed that God was in control and that He was taking care of me. It was a really good feeling. No anxiety. No depression. No worry. Just peace.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Faith over Feelings
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September 2, 2011 Faith over Feelings Tracie Miles |
“…for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.” Psalm 25:5b (NIV)I spent months working on it, with big expectations and high hopes. In the blink of an eye it was crushed. This reality tore into my heart like a jagged knife, ripping my dream into tiny little shreds. Disappointment was so great it was difficult to process my feelings. I had worked tirelessly on this project and now I felt disappointment and rejection.
Disappointment soon turned to irritation which morphed into resentment. I didn’t FEEL it was fair.
Why didn’t God answer my prayers? Why had He placed a dream in my heart only to allow it to crumble? Why had He let this happen? Why me?
I knew I needed to have a good attitude and not give up, but I did not FEEL like doing that at all!
Questions pummeled my brain. What is the use? Why try again? If God didn’t answer my prayer after all this time, why bother keep trying?
I allowed my FEELings to overtake my FAITH.
All I could think about was how this disappointment made me feel, instead of what God may be doing that my faith could not see. I felt things weren’t fair, without remembering God’s ways are best. I felt a longing for immediate results, instead of trusting God’s timing is perfect.
My feelings had gotten in the way of my faith, so I turned to Psalm 25 (NIV) for perspective. The following verses washed over my spirit.
Verse 1, “In you, LORD my God, I put my trust.”
I felt discouraged, unworthy, hopeless, rejected. So I poured my feelings and my soul out to God. And He listened.
Verse 2, “I trust in you; do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me.”
God reminded me to trust Him, not a desire or a dream. Not the world’s view. Not my abilities. Not my timeframe. Not my ideas. Trust Him alone. I prayed about my enemies—intangible feelings such as self doubt, insecurity, frustration, and discouragement.
Verse 3, “No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause.”
Regardless of whether or not my desires become a reality, I will not be put to shame, because God is my God. If His plans coincide with my dreams, I know He will keep His eternal promises.
Verses 4-5a, “Show me your ways, LORD, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me,”
These words stopped me in my tracks. I began to think more rationally. Why did I beat my head against a wall? Why was I consumed with anxiety and frustration? Was I allowing God to direct my paths? God gently reminded me He is the teacher, I am the student.
Verse 5b, “…for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.”
If I put my hope in my own desires and abilities, I set myself up for failure. My only hope for joy and fulfillment comes from Christ alone. Hope is found in Him, not people, a career, your husband or children, church, financial success, a carefree life, or dreams that come true.
Disappointments will happen. With God, however, we can turn those disappointments into God’s appointments to trust Him. The first step is to exercise faith over feelings.
Dear Lord, You know the hurt in my heart and the sting of disappointments I have experienced. Please help me trust You, instead of being consumed by feelings. Empower me with a faith that is stronger than my emotions. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
Disclaimer
*This is a post that I received via email from Proverbs 31 Ministries. I did not write any of this post. I did however find this very comforting and encouraging today!
Friday, August 26, 2011
"Do not look to man"
Yesterday I was watching Daystar. If you don't know it is a Christian channel that has various preachers and evangelists on it. I was watching the last part of Joyce Meyer, who by the way is HI-LAR-I-OUS!! Anyway. Another preacher came on and he began to share an awesome testimony of God's provision. He was talking about God's currency and how He is the Banker. How there are no limits. He shared how God had used him in Africa to teach about the Lord's abundance. He also said some things that shot straight to my heart. Things that I felt were directed right at me. I was in tears listening to this man.
Then it happened. He asked that the viewer give the amount that God was laying on their heart right then to Daystar. He said that he would pray the "100 Fold Prayer" over it and that I, the viewer, would receive my gift back 100 fold. I sat there listening and as he talked and told more stories of how this prayer worked in the past I became discouraged. I was discouraged because the Lord was not giving me an amount to give. I kept trying to think of an amount. The man on TV was encouraging you to put the donation on your credit card. He was saying that the more you gave the more you would get back. I wanted to change the channel and then as if he was reading my mind he said "There are some of you that want to change the channel. DON'T! The Lord is going to bless you 100 fold". Eventually I got up and left the room. I went into my closet. I got down on my knees and cried out to the Lord.
"Why don't you want me to be blessed by this? I thought you wanted to show me your abundance? Please just give me a number and I will give it! I need this Lord." By the end of this my face was flat on the floor and the carpet was wet with my tears. Before I got up the Lord whispered something to me, "Do not look to man but look to me for abundance". I was instantly at peace.
You see I have received a promise from the Lord. One that is exciting. And in my own flawed human-ness I am looking for the fulfillment anywhere I can find it. It was a good lesson for me. I do not doubt that the Lord will bless me or anyone else 100 fold. And it is very possible that He could have given me an amount to give to Daystar. But my heart was not in the right place. Thankfully the Lord showed me the error of my ways and I was able to be blessed by that alone yesterday.
There are many changes coming. I can feel them with every fiber of my being. I believe they will all be good and I also believe that some of them will be radical. I believe that the Lord is going to do things that make everything that has happened these last few years seem so insignificant. I am excited!
Then it happened. He asked that the viewer give the amount that God was laying on their heart right then to Daystar. He said that he would pray the "100 Fold Prayer" over it and that I, the viewer, would receive my gift back 100 fold. I sat there listening and as he talked and told more stories of how this prayer worked in the past I became discouraged. I was discouraged because the Lord was not giving me an amount to give. I kept trying to think of an amount. The man on TV was encouraging you to put the donation on your credit card. He was saying that the more you gave the more you would get back. I wanted to change the channel and then as if he was reading my mind he said "There are some of you that want to change the channel. DON'T! The Lord is going to bless you 100 fold". Eventually I got up and left the room. I went into my closet. I got down on my knees and cried out to the Lord.
"Why don't you want me to be blessed by this? I thought you wanted to show me your abundance? Please just give me a number and I will give it! I need this Lord." By the end of this my face was flat on the floor and the carpet was wet with my tears. Before I got up the Lord whispered something to me, "Do not look to man but look to me for abundance". I was instantly at peace.
You see I have received a promise from the Lord. One that is exciting. And in my own flawed human-ness I am looking for the fulfillment anywhere I can find it. It was a good lesson for me. I do not doubt that the Lord will bless me or anyone else 100 fold. And it is very possible that He could have given me an amount to give to Daystar. But my heart was not in the right place. Thankfully the Lord showed me the error of my ways and I was able to be blessed by that alone yesterday.
There are many changes coming. I can feel them with every fiber of my being. I believe they will all be good and I also believe that some of them will be radical. I believe that the Lord is going to do things that make everything that has happened these last few years seem so insignificant. I am excited!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Looking for Salvation
As you know I have been reading "Radical" by David Platt. It is really good but very challenging. There is nothing new in this book but what it does do is it forces you to look at things in a different way.
For a couple of months I have been struggling with this new look at life and how it should be lived. I have struggled with what I am to do with this new knowledge. At the same time I have learned new things about children and adults that are being mistreated all over the world. In Proverbs 24:12 it states that "Don't say, "I didn't know it!" God can read your mind. He watches each of us and knows our thoughts. And God will pay us back for what we do" (Contemporary English Version). The Bible clearly states that once we know we are held accountable for it.
I had a friend argue that some don't know. That they are ignorant. I argue that they have an inherent moral code, a conscience if you will. Today I spent some time in the Word. I opened my Bible to Romans 1. I began to read about the salvation of the Lord. Then I came upon something; "..that which is known about God is evident to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse". Romans 1:19-20. Romans 2:15 goes on to say that "the Law has been written on the conscience of their hearts". (NASB). This is referring to ALL people.
The Lord told me that He was going to show me His salvation. I believe that He will. I am praying for those around the world. I am praying for those close to home. I am praying for myself. I do not know what is in store but I do know that He has a much greater plan that what is going on now.
If you would like to read about some things going on right now please check out this blog, The Blessing of Verity. It is powerful and real. There is a lot of evil in this world and just knowing how to pray is enough.
For a couple of months I have been struggling with this new look at life and how it should be lived. I have struggled with what I am to do with this new knowledge. At the same time I have learned new things about children and adults that are being mistreated all over the world. In Proverbs 24:12 it states that "Don't say, "I didn't know it!" God can read your mind. He watches each of us and knows our thoughts. And God will pay us back for what we do" (Contemporary English Version). The Bible clearly states that once we know we are held accountable for it.
I had a friend argue that some don't know. That they are ignorant. I argue that they have an inherent moral code, a conscience if you will. Today I spent some time in the Word. I opened my Bible to Romans 1. I began to read about the salvation of the Lord. Then I came upon something; "..that which is known about God is evident to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse". Romans 1:19-20. Romans 2:15 goes on to say that "the Law has been written on the conscience of their hearts". (NASB). This is referring to ALL people.
The Lord told me that He was going to show me His salvation. I believe that He will. I am praying for those around the world. I am praying for those close to home. I am praying for myself. I do not know what is in store but I do know that He has a much greater plan that what is going on now.
If you would like to read about some things going on right now please check out this blog, The Blessing of Verity. It is powerful and real. There is a lot of evil in this world and just knowing how to pray is enough.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Praying faithfully
This last week I had the chance to receive a word from the Lord through a person with spiritual gift in prophecy. Now I am just going to say that I KNOW that there will be some that will be skeptical of this but let me tell you that I truly feel as though the Lord was telling me things that I needed to hear and he was using this man.
The circumstances around this situation are long and detailed but I am not going to go into them at this time. Anyway, the Lord revealed some things to me that only He would know and He encouraged me in them. The one thing that stood out to me was that He was going to show me His salvation through His abundance. Friends, this has been a long hard road. Not just Troy being laid off this last October and the various illnesses this year. This journey since 2002 has been rough. But I feel as though the Lord is really wanting to show me that all of that was not for nothing. That He has a plan.
I have said from the beginning that I have felt commanded to share what Jesus has done for me. He has done abundantly more than I could ever imagine, and to think He is promising to do so much more. There are some very specific things that He revealed to me through the man I spoke with. I am faithfully praying and waiting on Him to fulfill those promises. I believe they are true promises from Him.
The Lord showed me a glimpse of His abundance today. The kids are in desperate need of new clothes. They have really had a growth spurt. I had a friend call and ask if she could drop off clothes on Monday. I was unable to go through it all until today. (Oh I don't want to forget that I have been trying to save some money to buy a few new dresses for the girls.) Anyway, today I went through all of the clothes. There were 27 dresses in the pile! 27! I couldn't believe how good the Lord was. He knew that I was trying to save for a couple of new dresses and He said "I can provide more abundantly than you can imagine". I would have never expected this. This may seem small to you but to me this is HUGE. I was then able to share this with my children. Ellie was so excited that Jesus did this!
The circumstances around this situation are long and detailed but I am not going to go into them at this time. Anyway, the Lord revealed some things to me that only He would know and He encouraged me in them. The one thing that stood out to me was that He was going to show me His salvation through His abundance. Friends, this has been a long hard road. Not just Troy being laid off this last October and the various illnesses this year. This journey since 2002 has been rough. But I feel as though the Lord is really wanting to show me that all of that was not for nothing. That He has a plan.
I have said from the beginning that I have felt commanded to share what Jesus has done for me. He has done abundantly more than I could ever imagine, and to think He is promising to do so much more. There are some very specific things that He revealed to me through the man I spoke with. I am faithfully praying and waiting on Him to fulfill those promises. I believe they are true promises from Him.
The Lord showed me a glimpse of His abundance today. The kids are in desperate need of new clothes. They have really had a growth spurt. I had a friend call and ask if she could drop off clothes on Monday. I was unable to go through it all until today. (Oh I don't want to forget that I have been trying to save some money to buy a few new dresses for the girls.) Anyway, today I went through all of the clothes. There were 27 dresses in the pile! 27! I couldn't believe how good the Lord was. He knew that I was trying to save for a couple of new dresses and He said "I can provide more abundantly than you can imagine". I would have never expected this. This may seem small to you but to me this is HUGE. I was then able to share this with my children. Ellie was so excited that Jesus did this!
The LORD swore an oath to David,
a sure oath he will not revoke:
“One of your own descendants
I will place on your throne.
12 If your sons keep my covenant
and the statutes I teach them,
then their sons will sit
on your throne for ever and ever.”
a sure oath he will not revoke:
“One of your own descendants
I will place on your throne.
12 If your sons keep my covenant
and the statutes I teach them,
then their sons will sit
on your throne for ever and ever.”
13 For the LORD has chosen Zion,
he has desired it for his dwelling, saying,
14 “This is my resting place for ever and ever;
here I will sit enthroned, for I have desired it.
15 I will bless her with abundant provisions;
her poor I will satisfy with food.
16 I will clothe her priests with salvation,
and her faithful people will ever sing for joy.
he has desired it for his dwelling, saying,
14 “This is my resting place for ever and ever;
here I will sit enthroned, for I have desired it.
15 I will bless her with abundant provisions;
her poor I will satisfy with food.
16 I will clothe her priests with salvation,
and her faithful people will ever sing for joy.
Psalm 132:11-16
Monday, August 15, 2011
I am overwhelmed
It has been a crazy couple of weeks. The Lord has revealed much to me! He has been guiding me down a path that is new but still familiar. He is showing me new ways of looking at things. He is making new promises to me and showing me His salvation here on earth.
I have been overwhelmed with life this last year. It has been a hard long road but the Lord has always been faithful. I can see that looking back. I still feel overwhelmed and alone at times. Not that I am, but like many I have tried to rely on my own strength!
My mom gave me the idea to ask the Lord for a verse for the year. One that I can meditate on for the rest of the year. One that He wants me to learn from. I am praying about it and hopefully I will get it soon. I know that whatever it is because it is from Him it will be good for me.
I have been overwhelmed with life this last year. It has been a hard long road but the Lord has always been faithful. I can see that looking back. I still feel overwhelmed and alone at times. Not that I am, but like many I have tried to rely on my own strength!
My mom gave me the idea to ask the Lord for a verse for the year. One that I can meditate on for the rest of the year. One that He wants me to learn from. I am praying about it and hopefully I will get it soon. I know that whatever it is because it is from Him it will be good for me.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Too many thoughts
I have not blogged in a few days because I don't know what to write about. Actually I have a lot of things to write about; I just don't know which one to write about first. I am currently reading 3 books! This may not be a big thing for some of you but for me it is. I don't do more than one thing like that at a time. So to be in the middle of 3 is a little crazy. The funny thing is they ALL go together! Which is really a God thing I think. One of them, Radical by David Platt, is totally rocking my world. It is making me question EVERYTHING I have done and will do in the future. It has caused me to look at my life in a whole new way. To go along with it, Raising Kids for True Greatness by Tim Kimmel, is a book that makes raising your kids even more of a daunting task then it already is. They resounding theme with both of these books is humility. And let me just tell you the Lord is working on me in both of these.
I will write more about each one soon. Just need to get my thoughts together first.
I will write more about each one soon. Just need to get my thoughts together first.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
It's a process
I blogged the other day about wanting to get rid of everything and hold on to everything all at the same time. I believe that is not a sin to have things. But I do believe it breaks one of the Ten Commandments when we choose stuff over the Lord. You know that pesky little one about false gods before Him.
I have received an overwhelming reaction to that post. Many of you feel the same way. We want to get rid of it all because we know that we don't NEED it. But is that really what the Lord wants us to do? I know many people who have a lot and give even more. Should they still get rid of all they have? What about those that don't have much but still give? Do they need to get rid of it all? These are all things I have been thinking about.
I feel like the Holy Spirit has been guiding me in this process. Sure I have to make decisions on my own but I want to make the decisions the Lord has willed for me. I feel Him nudging me to make better choices, to reevaluate what I think is a need and what is a want. Amazingly most of my needs are really wants. I have also began reevaluating what I am teaching my children. Troy and I have conditioned them to think that "when we get money...you can buy this". The reality is that we don't have the right to spend anything that we have without consulting our Banker first. He provides it so we should honor Him with our spending.
This is a process and although we have made some drastic changes we still need to make more! What about you? What do you feel the Lord doing in your life?
I have received an overwhelming reaction to that post. Many of you feel the same way. We want to get rid of it all because we know that we don't NEED it. But is that really what the Lord wants us to do? I know many people who have a lot and give even more. Should they still get rid of all they have? What about those that don't have much but still give? Do they need to get rid of it all? These are all things I have been thinking about.
I feel like the Holy Spirit has been guiding me in this process. Sure I have to make decisions on my own but I want to make the decisions the Lord has willed for me. I feel Him nudging me to make better choices, to reevaluate what I think is a need and what is a want. Amazingly most of my needs are really wants. I have also began reevaluating what I am teaching my children. Troy and I have conditioned them to think that "when we get money...you can buy this". The reality is that we don't have the right to spend anything that we have without consulting our Banker first. He provides it so we should honor Him with our spending.
This is a process and although we have made some drastic changes we still need to make more! What about you? What do you feel the Lord doing in your life?
Monday, July 25, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Let's Give it all Away....WAIT!!!!!
I have so many mixed feeling right now. I want more and I want to give it all away at the same time! I have been really struggling internally with the stuff that as Americans we hold onto and aspire to have. I don't want to have stuff just because that is the way everything and everyone around me says I should have. But at the same time I want to get rid of everything! I want to sell everything and live in a travel trailer. I want to give all of my money to others and not worry about how a bill is going to be paid.
So where is the happy medium? How do we know what is okay to want and what is not? When are we no longer honoring the Lord with our desires? I am still trying to figure that all out. I don't know the answer. Do you?
So where is the happy medium? How do we know what is okay to want and what is not? When are we no longer honoring the Lord with our desires? I am still trying to figure that all out. I don't know the answer. Do you?
"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:3-5"
Psalm 37:3-5"
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Yesterday I had a friend call me and ask about anxiety attacks. She thought that she might be having one. There is only one word to describe them..SCARY! I don't know if she was comforted by what I told her or not but I was able to let her know that she is not the only one and that I could sympathize.
I have had anxiety/panic attacks off and on for over 14 years. At its height it was debilitating. I had been through all types of medical tests only to find out that the racing heart rate and the skipped beats and the inability to breathe was all from the overwhelming amount of stress that I had but did not necessarily feel. After many years of enduring this pain and then lots of counseling (more recently) I have learned that I hold on to everything. I internalize and take responsibility for things that are not mine to be responsible for. I did not truly trust in the Lord to take care of it all for me.
I find it funny that others think that I am so transparent. I am in some ways, I guess, but in others I am not. Only 3 people (besides my husband) know what I am going through now. So as I sat down at my computer yesterday, to play on facebook, I was taken aback when my arms went numb and my hands began to tingle. My heart raced and my breath was short. I felt the room closing in. All I could do was type, "
I have had anxiety/panic attacks off and on for over 14 years. At its height it was debilitating. I had been through all types of medical tests only to find out that the racing heart rate and the skipped beats and the inability to breathe was all from the overwhelming amount of stress that I had but did not necessarily feel. After many years of enduring this pain and then lots of counseling (more recently) I have learned that I hold on to everything. I internalize and take responsibility for things that are not mine to be responsible for. I did not truly trust in the Lord to take care of it all for me.
I find it funny that others think that I am so transparent. I am in some ways, I guess, but in others I am not. Only 3 people (besides my husband) know what I am going through now. So as I sat down at my computer yesterday, to play on facebook, I was taken aback when my arms went numb and my hands began to tingle. My heart raced and my breath was short. I felt the room closing in. All I could do was type, "
Monday, July 18, 2011
I refuse...
This morning I woke up with a plan to clean my house. So far I have been pretty successful. I sat down to take a break and play my new favorite guilty pleasure, hearts. As I sat here I felt the overwhelming feeling to praise my Maker. He is so good and I just can't even tell you how much my actions have not reflected His goodness lately. So I did..I praised Him. It was good. I cried, it was cleansing, it brought me back to reality.
I have been struggling with some new information that I have learned about in the last few months. Information about orphans. I have been comfortable in my North American bubble. But now it has burst. I am overwhelmed with the knowledge that I have received. But what do I do? How can I make a difference? This is something that I have been praying about. I encourage you to go to this blog. It is by a woman that recently adopted from Eastern Europe. Her babies were very very sick and nearly died. There are hundreds that are still there. And.They.Are.Dying.
I have been struggling with some new information that I have learned about in the last few months. Information about orphans. I have been comfortable in my North American bubble. But now it has burst. I am overwhelmed with the knowledge that I have received. But what do I do? How can I make a difference? This is something that I have been praying about. I encourage you to go to this blog. It is by a woman that recently adopted from Eastern Europe. Her babies were very very sick and nearly died. There are hundreds that are still there. And.They.Are.Dying.
"I can hear the least of these crying out so desperately..... I don't want to live like I don't care. I don't want to say another empty prayer. I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else to do what God has called me to do."
Monday, July 11, 2011
An Encouragement
Friday, July 8, 2011
If you don't dish it you aint never gonna get it
The kids have been wanting to go to the pool. I am okay with that except our neighborhood pool doesn't open until noon. This is quite annoying to me..but whatever. So today I decided I would go grab lunch with them and then we would all go to the pool. So we did. We pulled into our neighborhood pool at 11:55. There was not a single soul there. I thought "it's not 12 so don't get irritated yet". So we ate in the car and waited. And waited. And waited. Finally after 12 someone showed up. She was getting things ready so we waited so she could set up. By this time the kids were done with their lunch and were chomping at the bit to get in the water. So we walked to the gate where she met us. She told me that despite the fact that it was 15 minutes after they were supposed to open she was all alone and could not open the pool yet. I was immediately irritated. I responded like this...
Me-"What happened to the others that were supposed to be here?"
Her-"I am not sure. I am really sorry."
Me-"Well that is not good enough. It is already past the time. I pay your salary. You would think you could get here on time."
Okay. That was horrible! I know it was. I gave her absolutely no grace. As I sat in the car waiting for her coworker to show up I realized what I had done. Sure the situation was irritating but today I realized that if I am not willing to dish out grace to others that I am never gonna get any myself.
Me-"What happened to the others that were supposed to be here?"
Her-"I am not sure. I am really sorry."
Me-"Well that is not good enough. It is already past the time. I pay your salary. You would think you could get here on time."
Okay. That was horrible! I know it was. I gave her absolutely no grace. As I sat in the car waiting for her coworker to show up I realized what I had done. Sure the situation was irritating but today I realized that if I am not willing to dish out grace to others that I am never gonna get any myself.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
It's a process...
I always find it so frustrating how when the Lord starts working on something new in our lives Satan begins to work against it. Often he uses things that we are not on-guard about. Things that we would normally never worry about.
God has been good to me the last week or so when it has come to my struggles. He has shown me my sin and has rebuked it in His merciful way. He has allowed me to go through some things so that I would come out of it humbled and ready to serve.
That is why when I was tempted with something new I was taken aback. I was not expecting something like this to happen. But the good news in all of this is that after I struggled with it a little bit I realized what it was. It was a distraction from what the Lord is showing me. It was not what I needed to be involved in.
I am glad that I have been more focused on my walk with the Lord in this time because I am sure that I would have been sucked in. And this could have turned into a deep deep pit. But as it stands now it was nothing. Truly nothing. (that is why I am not putting the specific thing on here). I do not want to give it power.
So here I am. Working on me, not in a "it's all about me" kinda way; but in a "I just want to be a humbled servant" kinda way. It is a process. One that will not be achieved over night. I just pray that the Lord will continue to lead my path and that I will be able to stay focused on Him.
God has been good to me the last week or so when it has come to my struggles. He has shown me my sin and has rebuked it in His merciful way. He has allowed me to go through some things so that I would come out of it humbled and ready to serve.
That is why when I was tempted with something new I was taken aback. I was not expecting something like this to happen. But the good news in all of this is that after I struggled with it a little bit I realized what it was. It was a distraction from what the Lord is showing me. It was not what I needed to be involved in.
I am glad that I have been more focused on my walk with the Lord in this time because I am sure that I would have been sucked in. And this could have turned into a deep deep pit. But as it stands now it was nothing. Truly nothing. (that is why I am not putting the specific thing on here). I do not want to give it power.
So here I am. Working on me, not in a "it's all about me" kinda way; but in a "I just want to be a humbled servant" kinda way. It is a process. One that will not be achieved over night. I just pray that the Lord will continue to lead my path and that I will be able to stay focused on Him.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Don't throw me in the belly of a whale.....
I would like to say that my quiet time is spent in the early morning hours with me in the prostrate position crying out to the Lord. This season of my life it is not! At this time in my life my quiet time is spent in the shower. Where I am actually LEFT ALONE! So this morning as I was getting ready for church, I jumped in the shower and immediately went into prayer mode.
The Holy Spirit prompted me with some specific prayer points and then I began to pray about a big decision I need to make in the upcoming semester. I have been praying about it. But this morning I realized that I wasn't praying for an answer. I was basically telling God what I wanted him to do. No wonder he has been silent! So this morning I started out like I always do and then I started telling him the reasons why I needed him to answer a certain way. Why I needed him to say no to one way and yes to another. It all boils down to it is an inconvenience to me if I do this the way others want me to.
My conversation with him sounded a little like this. "I don't really want to do it that way because it is too much trouble. If I do it that way then I have to actually be committed 100% and I really don't want to do that. Plus I will be making a huge sacrifice and I don't know if I can stay committed." Yeah, it went like that! Pretty bold and stupid. But luckily my Father is gracious and he scolded me ever so gently. Immediately my soul was convicted by that conversation. I knew that God does not call me to do things in MY comfort level. He calls me to do things that are beyond my comfort level. So that it is a true sacrifice to Him.
A few of my friends are reading a book that is changing their lives. I have not started it yet but I think that tomorrow I will be headed out to Lifeway to get it. In the mean time I am getting to hear some of their revelations.
One was that God wants us to be so committed to him and to love him so much that the love we have for our parents looks like hate. He wants our lives to be permeated with him and his truths so much that we reflect him in our lives on a second by second basis. After hearing these words from my friend I have been meditating on that. I have been asking the Lord to show me how I could do that. It is so counter-cultural. I think that this morning he showed me one way. He has pointed me in a direction that I wanted to go just not the way I wanted to do it. I don't want to be thrown into the belly of a whale so I am going to go where he wants me to go. I am going to do what he wants me to do. No matter how uncomfortable it is for me.
The Holy Spirit prompted me with some specific prayer points and then I began to pray about a big decision I need to make in the upcoming semester. I have been praying about it. But this morning I realized that I wasn't praying for an answer. I was basically telling God what I wanted him to do. No wonder he has been silent! So this morning I started out like I always do and then I started telling him the reasons why I needed him to answer a certain way. Why I needed him to say no to one way and yes to another. It all boils down to it is an inconvenience to me if I do this the way others want me to.
My conversation with him sounded a little like this. "I don't really want to do it that way because it is too much trouble. If I do it that way then I have to actually be committed 100% and I really don't want to do that. Plus I will be making a huge sacrifice and I don't know if I can stay committed." Yeah, it went like that! Pretty bold and stupid. But luckily my Father is gracious and he scolded me ever so gently. Immediately my soul was convicted by that conversation. I knew that God does not call me to do things in MY comfort level. He calls me to do things that are beyond my comfort level. So that it is a true sacrifice to Him.
A few of my friends are reading a book that is changing their lives. I have not started it yet but I think that tomorrow I will be headed out to Lifeway to get it. In the mean time I am getting to hear some of their revelations.
One was that God wants us to be so committed to him and to love him so much that the love we have for our parents looks like hate. He wants our lives to be permeated with him and his truths so much that we reflect him in our lives on a second by second basis. After hearing these words from my friend I have been meditating on that. I have been asking the Lord to show me how I could do that. It is so counter-cultural. I think that this morning he showed me one way. He has pointed me in a direction that I wanted to go just not the way I wanted to do it. I don't want to be thrown into the belly of a whale so I am going to go where he wants me to go. I am going to do what he wants me to do. No matter how uncomfortable it is for me.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Grace
I have posted on my other blog about my struggle with depression. It is something that I have had for a while but was in denial that it was in fact depression. There is such a stigma with that word. Anyway I went to counseling for several months for this. I learned things about myself that were good and things that were bad. I learned about boundaries and I learned about getting out of the pit of depression.
Truth be told this was not an easy process and although I feel as though the Lord has delivered me from these things, my flesh still fails. Recently I have found myself cloistering away in my bedroom, wanting to be alone and away from my children. It is hard because I have seen a change in them since this has started again.
Yesterday I laid in bed and I just started praying. Jackson was struggling with school work and I was beyond frustrated. The last time he came to me I yelled so loudly that after he left I burst into tears. I cried out to God.
What had I done?
What was wrong with me?
How could I fix it?
And then He answered me. Just one word.
"Grace."
I wasn't giving any. I fully expect it from my Heavenly Father but I refused to give it to my own child. This made me weep even more. I got up and went to Jackson. He was curled up in a ball on the couch. His spirit broken. I sat down with him and apologized. I explained that I should have given him grace and I didn't. At first he didn't want to but we sat together and worked on his math. It took about an hour but he got it done. He had to do the work. I was just there to help him get through it.
After it was all done I realized that if I wanted help from the Lord to get out of the pit that I have eased myself back into; I must first make the choice to get out and then I have to work at it. He will give me grace. He will sit next to me and help me with the problems.
I love (and hate sometimes) how the Lord uses our kids to show us, His kid, what we look like to Him!
Christi
Truth be told this was not an easy process and although I feel as though the Lord has delivered me from these things, my flesh still fails. Recently I have found myself cloistering away in my bedroom, wanting to be alone and away from my children. It is hard because I have seen a change in them since this has started again.
Yesterday I laid in bed and I just started praying. Jackson was struggling with school work and I was beyond frustrated. The last time he came to me I yelled so loudly that after he left I burst into tears. I cried out to God.
What had I done?
What was wrong with me?
How could I fix it?
And then He answered me. Just one word.
"Grace."
I wasn't giving any. I fully expect it from my Heavenly Father but I refused to give it to my own child. This made me weep even more. I got up and went to Jackson. He was curled up in a ball on the couch. His spirit broken. I sat down with him and apologized. I explained that I should have given him grace and I didn't. At first he didn't want to but we sat together and worked on his math. It took about an hour but he got it done. He had to do the work. I was just there to help him get through it.
After it was all done I realized that if I wanted help from the Lord to get out of the pit that I have eased myself back into; I must first make the choice to get out and then I have to work at it. He will give me grace. He will sit next to me and help me with the problems.
I love (and hate sometimes) how the Lord uses our kids to show us, His kid, what we look like to Him!
Christi
Monday, June 27, 2011
Greatness
I am in a Summer Book Study at our church. We are reading Raising Kids for True Greatness by Tim Kimmel. This week I was assigned 2 chapters to read. I woke up quite early to a crying child and so I figured what better a time than now?
Dr. Kimmel has you look at the difference between success and greatness in the first two chapters. Success is something that you achieve while on Earth and people commend. Greatness is something that God commends.
I have to back track a moment because I want to tell you about my friend. She is adopting from Eastern Europe and she is getting 3 special needs kids. They all have problems related to their conditions but what makes it all worse is that the problems they have because of the way they were treated in the orphanage are far worse.
I have struggled with this new insight. I have struggled with why it is allowed to happen. I struggle with the audacity of people that feel it is okay to treat others the way they have. One friend argued that some just don't know better. I am sorry but I can't accept that. I just can't. Somewhere deep down SOMEONE has to know that it is not right.
So as I have prayed I have asked God what I am supposed to do with this knowledge. These are the two things I am hearing; keep praying and He can and will restore all.
So as I read today about raising my children and wanting them to be successful or great I came across a sentence in the book that stuck out to me; "Truly great people would never want to escape from their responsibility to the greater good of the human race.".
That my friends is what I want for my children. I want them to step up to the plate like my friend is. I want them to feel the overwhelming burden to pray for "the least of these".
Christi
Dr. Kimmel has you look at the difference between success and greatness in the first two chapters. Success is something that you achieve while on Earth and people commend. Greatness is something that God commends.
I have to back track a moment because I want to tell you about my friend. She is adopting from Eastern Europe and she is getting 3 special needs kids. They all have problems related to their conditions but what makes it all worse is that the problems they have because of the way they were treated in the orphanage are far worse.
I have struggled with this new insight. I have struggled with why it is allowed to happen. I struggle with the audacity of people that feel it is okay to treat others the way they have. One friend argued that some just don't know better. I am sorry but I can't accept that. I just can't. Somewhere deep down SOMEONE has to know that it is not right.
So as I have prayed I have asked God what I am supposed to do with this knowledge. These are the two things I am hearing; keep praying and He can and will restore all.
So as I read today about raising my children and wanting them to be successful or great I came across a sentence in the book that stuck out to me; "Truly great people would never want to escape from their responsibility to the greater good of the human race.".
That my friends is what I want for my children. I want them to step up to the plate like my friend is. I want them to feel the overwhelming burden to pray for "the least of these".
For I was hungry and you gave Me food, I was thirsty and you gave Me something to drink, I was a stranger and you brought Me together with yourselves and welcomed and entertained and lodged Me, I was naked and you clothed Me, I was sick and you visited Me with help and ministering care, I was in prison and you came to see Me.
Then the just and upright will answer Him, Lord, when did we see You hungry and gave You food, or thirsty and gave You something to drink?
And when did we see You a stranger and welcomed and entertained You, or naked and clothed You?
And when did we see You sick or in prison and came to visit You?
And the King will reply to them, Truly I tell you, in so far as you did it for one of the least in the estimation of men] of these My brethren, you did it for Me.
Then He will say to those at His left hand, Begone from Me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels!
For I was hungry and you gave Me no food, I was thirsty and you gave Me nothing to drink,
I was a stranger and you did not welcome Me and entertain Me, I was naked and you did not clothe Me, I was sick and in prison and you did not visit Me with help and ministering care.
Then they also [in their turn] will answer, Lord, when did we see You hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to You?
And He will reply to them, Solemnly I declare to you, in so far as you failed to do it for the least in the estimation of men] of these, you failed to do it for Me.
Then they will go away into eternal punishment, but those who are just and upright and in right standing with God into eternal life. Matthew 25:35-46 (Amplified)
Christi
Friday, June 24, 2011
My First Post!
I am taking a leap of faith here by setting up this blog. I feel as though this is the right thing to do but I am afraid that others will not read it if they know this is a blog about my journey with the Lord. I know it sounds ridiculous but that is just the way I am feeling as I type these words.
I named this blog "Being Still" because that is what the Lord has been showing me over the last year or so. I can't do anything in His will if I am not still first. I must be still to hear His words. It is a hard thing to do. I hope to document lots of cool things on this particular blog. Those of you that know me, know He has already done mighty works in my life!
So here it goes....
Christi
I named this blog "Being Still" because that is what the Lord has been showing me over the last year or so. I can't do anything in His will if I am not still first. I must be still to hear His words. It is a hard thing to do. I hope to document lots of cool things on this particular blog. Those of you that know me, know He has already done mighty works in my life!
So here it goes....
Christi
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