On Expectation

It has been a while and I really have not wanted or have even thought about blogging. The last several days I have had a post going through my head and as I cut pineapple in preparation for a birthday party this weekend the words were swirling. I can only imagine that it means I should post something!

I only blog about what the Lord is doing in me. Not what He is doing in others. I share my story (on here, in person, or on social media) because I believe that we are called to share our victories and struggles with one another so that we can be encouraged by each other.

The last 22 months I have been in a strange place. Strange because it is someone's home (not mine). Strange because I have become a caretaker for my father. Strange because my entire family dynamic has changed! Cram 7 people, 2 different families, in the 1500 square feet and see how strange it feels. Strange because my walk with God has drastically changed!

I came here with expectations. Several of them! Here is a short list (from a very long one).

1. An awesome, high-paying job for Troy
2. A church EXACTLY like my home church in Katy.
3. Best friends that mirrored the relationships I left. 
4. Financial Freedom.
5. Life without worry.

Here is what I got.

1. A mediocre job for Troy.
2. A church that was completely different. 
3. Friends that love our family!
4. More debt.
5. Worry.

Not all of my expectations were met. Some where but, in all actuality, I could complain about every single one of them. Even number 3! Why? you ask? Because what I wanted is NOT what I got.  Through the last 22 months when I have felt disappointment the Lord has whispered, "When you put expectations on people and situations, you are setting yourself up for disappointment".  This happened time and time again. Slowly, I began to realize that what I wanted was NOT what God wanted for me! Through several teachings, Scriptures, and even studies I started to realize that what He wanted was for my complete trust in Him. Not the I'm going through a hard time so I will trust Him for a little bit type of trust. But the kind where I literally hand it over and NEVER take it back!

We are currently in a hard place because Troy is going through some medical issues that keep him from working. He will lose his job tomorrow if he doesn't go back and he can't. He has not worked for 7 weeks and has not received pay for 5 of those weeks. When this all happened, I was scared. And then I a verse came to me; "Do not fear, stand by and see the salvation of the Lord...the Lord will fight for you, you only need to be still." Exodus 14:13. I knew that because God loves me He gave me that verse right in my moment of need! Now if you have known me for any amount of time you know my stories of provision...He has provided. It has been manna from heaven and I am thankful.

I have started looking at my days differently. Life is not all roses. There are tough times happening all around me. But I remember that I am not in control. I cannot manipulate any situation to fix the problems in my life or in others. But what I do see and know is that God is in control! He has ordained each day and His mercies are new every morning. I cannot worry about things I know nothing about. I choose to be happy with what I am given.

The Lord promised Troy and I that we would not have to worry about food any more. It would be like the 'fishes and loaves' (and it has) but the other day I started to feel anxious about a sale that I may miss out on. As my anxiety about cheap chicken started to escalate I started worrying about our financial situation. I worried about Troy's job (for the first time in 7 weeks), I worried about not having insurance, I worried about the kids, I worried about food, I worried. The Lord is good and He corrected me quickly. He reminded me of His promise and He reminded me that I had already given that ALL over to Him! I was not to take it back. I immediately repented. I was able to get that sale and cheap chicken but even better....I did it with a gift card that was brought to my house. If I had not waited, if I had gone out on my own because of the fear I felt, I would have missed it. I would have missed the blessing:the gift from a Father that loves His children oh so much.

I hope my friends are encouraged! I hope you read the whole LONG post! Love you friends!

Remember to be still and wait for the Lord!

How deep are the roots?

The last few months have been a roller coaster.  I have battled with an oppressive feeling.  I finally decided to take the advice of my counselor (in Katy) and ask my doctor for a little help with medication.  I know that some may find this controversial and to be honest it has taken me a while to get to the point that I was able to see that I needed something more.

*While I know that God could and will totally deliver me from this, I also know that He has also provided other ways to help.  That includes counseling, medication and other forms of therapy.

So, I started taking an SSRI. This is to help raise the serotonin levels in my brain.  It is not a long term solution but my doctor feels like I may only have to take it for about 6 months. There is other work that needs to be done.  I knew this but didn't fully get it until about 3 weeks ago.

I was doing great. Actually, I had never felt so good.  I was happy. But then something happened.  I started feeling down. I started secluding myself again. I felt empty. Meanwhile I continued to live the way I wanted. I started feeling distant from God. I knew I needed to pray but I didn't want to. I needed to read His Word, but I was over it. I needed to go to church but the thought of being in a room full of Christians made me cringe.

I realized I was in trouble and I finally went to a friend that I could confide in.  She was extremely helpful and encouraging. She told me that I wasn't crazy but that I needed to take baby steps in getting back into it. I realized that by taking the medication I was able to have a more clear head. With that clearer head I was able to see what was going on around me....and that made me mad. Mad at God. My life does not look like I ever thought it would.

But I couldn't take it to Him. Why? I started a devotional our church has put out. As I read it I realized that my sin was keeping me from talking to Him. I couldn't even tell Him I was mad because I was living a life that was disobedient to His Word and to what He had already convicted me of.  The biggest thing was what I was allowing to enter my mind.  I was putting in junk (TV, movies, music) and as a result junk was coming out.

Through prayer and fasting I was able to go to Him. I was able to repent. And you know what? He met me! Right where I was. He met me there. I immediately felt relief.

Today as I was working in the garden outside I was pulling weeds.  I came across a weed that had roots deeper than any of the other plants. They were so deep that it took a shovel to remove them. It took me almost 10 minutes to remove one weed! God showed me in that moment that sin is like a weed. If not taken care of immediately its roots will dig deep.  They will become apart of the garden, they will be hard to remove.

I am not 100% better, but just repenting has made me feel a lot better.  I still have a lot of work to do. But I know that over time I will get there. 

2013 Part 1

The last week or so I have been really trying to listen to the Lord and hear what He has for me this new year.  The two words that keep coming to mind are Responsibility and Accountability. I have way more to expand on those two things but today, I am going to start with Accountability.

One of these aspects is reading my Bible and memorizing Scripture.  I have been teaching memory verses to my kids this year and it has been great for me too!  The Holy Spirit laid James 1:19 on my heart for my first verse of the year. It is " This we know brethren, be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger" (NASB)

There is a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. I am a wife, mother, daughter, teacher, care giver, and the list goes on and on.  I have found myself, as of late, having a very short fuse. I am easily irritated and I can see my poor attitude spill over into the lives of those closest to me.  Even as I type this my children are fighting with each other and it all boils down to someone is being impatient with the other. 

I plan to meditate on this verse in the morning and hope that the Holy Spirit will use it to remind me as my day goes on.

I shall not want......

As I have mentioned before, this has been a hard season. I have had difficulty being joyful about the birth of my Savior. I have felt overwhelmed by circumstances and have allowed myself to "go there".  If you know me then you know that is never good!

One reason I have struggled is because we are still struggling!  I assumed that once we were obedient (moved to DFW) that God would immediately "bless us" with a great job and financial stability. That is not what happened.  Instead we showed up to Ft. Worth with a job that no longer existed and a string of interviews that did not go anywhere.  I admit that both Troy and I were upset with this.  We have had to rely on my parents to help fill in the gaps.  My parents DO NOT have that kind of money. But somehow we have all made it through.

Somehow...Ha!  Am I new? I know how, I have just not wanted to look at the provision that God has given, because it's not how I would have done it!

So yesterday the kids and I sat down to work on our lessons.  The verse was Psalm 23:1, "The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want." As we went over the verse in detail and talked about the significance of the Shepherd and how He cares for His entire flock. Each of them. No matter what. I realized that God was taking care of Troy and I.  He has overly and abundantly provided for all 7 of us since the second my brood crossed the threshold of my parents home. There has not been one meal missed, one bill missed or one need left unattended. God has shown me a different way of providing for us.  It has been extremely humbling but I am ever-so grateful.

A week ago I posted a status update on Facebook that read, "I am a witness and I will TESTIFY that God provides". And He does.  He has called upon His servants to give and they have obediently and sacrificially gave to our family. And the gifts keep coming.  I amazed and in awe of Him.

I do not know when Troy will go back to work. I hope it is soon. It would be nice to get a paycheck! But I am waiting patiently on my Lord to show us the way. As Scripture promises, in this season, "I shall not want".

'Tis the Season

This Christmas season I have had a hard time getting into the "Christmas spirit". I think there are a couple of reasons; the biggest one being that we have not shopped at all. This has made me a bit grumpy and in all honesty, I have not looked forward to anything that has to do with Christmas. 

On Thursday, my Mimi died.  She was sick for many years and finally drew her last breath last week. That night I had to run some errands.  Jolly Christmas music played on the radio and I felt resentment well up in me. Resentment that we are in a tough season, resentment that my grandmother suffered for so long, resentment that life was not going the way I wanted.

And then it hit me....like a ton of bricks.

Oh come, Oh come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear

Rejoice, Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, Oh Israel!

Oh come, Thou Dayspring, come and cheer
Thy people with Thine advent here;
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight

Rejoice, Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, Oh Israel!

Oh come, Thou rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'ver the grave

Rejoice, Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, Oh Israel!
Rejoice, Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, Oh Israel!

Emmanuel- "God is with us". The Reason for Christmas. With out Him where would I be? I would be in lost world without grace, peace or Spirit. I would be hopeless in my own circumstances.  I realized that I have felt hopeless over these last few weeks but that is not because of God but because of me! I have looked to my own abilities and I have suffered because of it.

When people would ask how to pray for Mimi I would tell them to "pray she finds Jesus". That is what I wanted for her more than any physical healing or physical peace I wanted her to have spiritual healing and peace.  I am not sure if she found that. I know that the last several months of her life people were able to minister to her and she asked for her Bible.  I know that when she prayed a simple prayer for my father it was answered and she was so excited that she had "witnessed a miracle".  I believe that God gives everyone a chance to turn to Him.  Why wouldn't He? He sent His precious Son, Emmanuel, to ransom our souls! 

I will miss you, Mimi, but hold onto the Hope of the Lord that I will see you again in Glory.

Oh ye of little faith........

²⁹ Jesus left there and went along the Sea of Galilee. Then he went up on a mountainside and sat down. ³⁰ Great crowds came to him, bringing the lame, the blind, the crippled, the mute and many others, and laid them at his feet; and he healed them. ³¹ The people were amazed when they saw the mute speaking, the crippled made well, the lame walking and the blind seeing. And they praised the God of Israel.

³² Jesus called his disciples to him and said, “I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat. I do not want to send them away hungry, or they may collapse on the way.”

³³ His disciples answered, “Where could we get enough bread in this remote place to feed such a crowd?”

³⁴ “How many loaves do you have?” Jesus asked.

“Seven,” they replied, “and a few small fish.”

³⁵ He told the crowd to sit down on the ground. ³⁶ Then he took the seven loaves and the fish, and when he had given thanks, he broke them and gave them to the disciples, and they in turn to the people. ³⁷ They all ate and were satisfied. Afterward the disciples picked up seven basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. ³⁸ The number of those who ate was four thousand men, besides women and children. ³⁹ After Jesus had sent the crowd away, he got into the boat and went to the vicinity of Magadan.

Matthew 15:29-39

For the last two or more years my fear has been being able to feed my children.  It then spilled over into other aspects of our lives.  Through our financial struggle I became untrusting of my Father.  I believed that He performed miracles, for others, not for me.  I believed that He had a plan but that for me it was lost. Stolen. I would not be able to get it back. His promises would never be fulfilled because, if they were, it would have already happened and alas....it had not.  There wasn't a job that would provide for us. Which meant losing more than one home, getting ulcers thinking about how I was going to be able to buy groceries, not having insurance for my kids for several years, the list goes on.  

Luckily, the Holy Spirit does NOT fear.  He knew all the time what was going on and He was always there.  I can honestly say that we have never gone hungry.  There have been nights where popcorn and a spoonful of peanut butter was made for dinner. But my kids never went to bed without supper.  We have lost 2 homes in the last 6 months but we always had another place to go. Troy has lost jobs but the money has always come. 

So why did I doubt? Why did I have such little faith? I guess because I am human.  I was most encouraged when I was in His Word.  When I relied on my own understanding I became fearful. So when this passage of scripture was presented to me last weekend I was encouraged by our situation. 

As of Saturday the last of the little bit of money we had left was gone.  A "love offering" was taken up unbeknownst to us and we received several hundred dollars (this happened on Saturday). Since then every single night I have made dinner I have always thought, "This does not look like enough" and every single night after cooking for 4 adults and 3 children (going through growth-spurts) there are left-overs. Troy not only has one job prospect but 2. He has the potential to get to CHOOSE which one he wants! 

I love that God reminds us of His provision and faithfulness in Scripture and then turns around and shows us in our lives. Over the last 5 days I have found myself starting to ask "What about...." (fill in the blank).  But I am quickly reminded that it is not my job to worry about the 'What ifs'. I am to just do what I am called to do.  What is that you ask? Well at this moment it is staying in the Word, prayer, being a wife, mother and daughter. 

I was also reminded that God has given me a gift.  A gift to encourage. So I humbly put my 'stuff' out there for you all.  Hopefully, you are encouraged today.

Grumbling and Frustration

Felt the need to write again.  Many times I sit down at the computer without any real ideas of what to write and usually I come out with something good. So here goes!

We are over halfway into our second week in Ft. Worth.  At this moment Troy is sitting next to me reading a book; it is a Monday at noon.  I find myself getting a little frustrated.  Frustrated that there is still not a job and that our bank account is slowly dwindling.  We came here literally on a hope and a prayer. Funny, as I type this the Israelites come to mind. They left Egypt with nothing. All they had was a hope and a prayer that life would be better on the other side.  They did not have extra food.  They did not have permanent shelter.  They did not know what was in store.  God performed great miracles for them during this time.  He led them in the desert for 40 years!  *Dear Lord, please don't make me wander for 40 years.* He provided food, shelter, and safety.  Eventually, they ended up in the Promised Land. 

So as I sit frustrated I think of the Israelites.  They were frustrated too at times.  They saw miracles.  They witnessed God moving yet they grumbled.  God remained faithful.  As the Holy Spirit reminds me of the struggles of those before me I am comforted that 1) God has a plan, 2) God is trustworthy, 3) God wants what is best for me, 4) God is faithful. 

The kids and I are learning about God's faithfulness in our homeschool lives.  Each day we are learning a different way that God kept his promise.  Today was the story of the Israelites and the river.  The Ark went before them, the water stopped, the people crossed as the Ark (the presence of God) stayed in the middle of the dry river bottom.  After all of the people were across the Ark was taken to the shore.  What an amazing picture of God.  He went before them and made a way (through the trial) and He waited for them to pass through.  He did not go ahead until they were all safely through. 

Being Still....in a New City

It is 5:30 am.  I am sitting in my new home in the quiet.  Life is so different from just 6 months ago.  We have moved twice in 4 months.  At this current moment neither Troy nor I have a job. We are in a new city; 260 miles away from everything that we have known for the last 8.5 years. I sit here reflecting on what has transpired. 

Yesterday was the big move.  After breakfast at my aunt's house (coincidentally where the whole journey began and ended in the Houston area for us) we jumped in the car/uhaul truck and headed north. As we drove off I had a weird sensation deep in my soul. There was no sadness. There was no anxiety. There was no fear. There was peace. There was joy. There was contentment.  I knew that what we were doing was the right thing.  I remembered when we moved from Virginia to Texas and how it felt then...the same. God had a plan for us then and He has one for us now.


Through our journey I have felt God's peace at times and this is one of them.  I feel completely in His will at this time. The crazy thing is that we left our church, our jobs, and our friends.  We moved away to a place that, although I grew up here, is new and unknown to us. Sure, there are some friends that we know here but we will have to start over.  I know how lucky we were that we found Kingsland on the first shot in Katy. Will the church my parents go to be the same way here? What about homeschooling? We had such an awesome group in Katy; will my kids get that here?

Yes, to all of those questions.  I am confident that God did not ask us to leave such a great place with a great church and great friends and family just to put us somewhere that is barren and dry.  Troy will get a job (he has an interview Friday), we will meet other homeschoolers, our new church will never be Kingsland but it will be a place we can call home, and we will reconnect with old friends and make new.  I am confident in this.

*Just a cool little side note- Yesterday as we were unloading the truck Jackson got on his bike and road around when a boy came out and joined him.  They played for hours.  In the evening when it was time to trick or treat another neighbor (adult) came over and offered a costume for Jackson.  The girls pulled out some dress-up clothes and my kids went with a group of neighbor-kids around the block for candy. Meanwhile, Troy and a neighbor went to the store together. Already making friends! God is faithful!

I know I have not blogged in a while.  There have been many reasons.  I am hoping that I will be able to be more consistent again. 

Our move is getting closer and closer.  I am getting excited and scared all at the same time.  A weird mixture of emotions.  There have been some costs that we have to endure in order to move and I am really getting worried! 

I know. Worry is believing God can't do it but I can't help but feel that right at this moment.  I know that I will be blogging about how He put it all together soon, but for now I ask for prayers! :)

All Circumstances

The bible commands us to "Give thanks in all circumstances" 1 Thess 5:18.  I remember teaching this one to Jackson when we first started homeschooling.  He was struggling with school and life in general.  There were a few verses that we learned in that time and this was one. 

When I was pregnant with Char I took a bible study about thanksgiving. It was a hard time in my life.  I was so sick and I could find little to be thankful for. 

Let me tell you this.  Nothing that the Lord teaches us is in vain.  He will teach you and make you use it.  Sometimes more than you would want! :)

Last week I started feeling badly.  I was dizzy and nauseous...just weird-feeling.  Eventually, I went to the ER to be checked out just in case. The diagnosis was vertigo and the doctor was not really quite sure why I was having the problem. According to WEBMD, anxiety and stress can be causes of vertigo.  I am leaning towards that as the reason.

Last week I told you that I let it go.  I was casting all my cares upon the Lord.  I truly believe I did.  There have been moments that I have started to worry but I have been quick to give it back.  So why am I suffering with all of this? I think that sometimes our bodies still can physically react to stress even if we are not feeling it mentally. 

Today the vertigo came back.  I was so sick to my stomach and I just knew I would pass out.

We are moving in 8 days!  That is right, 8 days! I have not even begun to pack. I am working 2 jobs!  I am homeschooling my kids and today I received an email from my academic counselor that my leave of absence from school is OVER and I will be starting in 11 days!!!!  So, 3 days after I move I will need to start school.  I am a little panicky about that!  I am not ready.

So as I sat down at the computer tonight I started to think about all that was going on.  House. School. Jobs. Kids. Friends. Life. And I realized that God has put me right here. This moment. This is what He has chosen for me. For that I give thanks. I am thanking Him in all of my circumstances.

And the dizziness is gone.............

Provision

This week has already been full!

It's Tuesday.

As soon as I moved out of His way, the Lord started moving.  He goes fast!  (if you have been reading my blog for a while you will know that for me to say this is so ironic!)

Like I said in my last post we are moving.  San Felipe here we come!! It is about 20 minutes from where we live now. It is 4 bedrooms and on 2.5 acres.  I am a little nervous.  We have not made a house payment in over a year and honestly paying rent is a little nerve racking! But we have done the math over and over and the Lord assures me it can be done.

Troy and I have been trying to figure out a way to stay in this house for free.  We keep getting told by others that we have plenty of time.   That is simply not true.  The clock hand is ticking and our time on Goldstone Drive is short. God is clear....we cannot stay here anymore.  It is time to let it go.

One of the ways is by giving me another job!  I know, you are thinking 'you already have a job'. Yes, I do.  I have been working as the Assistant Director/Music and Drama Teacher at The Creator's Kids for the last 7 months.  I still work there!  My hours are only part time right now because, well, we are a new business!  We are growing and my hours are beginning to pick up.  But in the meantime I have another job.  It is part time and at our church.  The amount of money that I will make there will almost pay for our new rent!!!  Can you believe that? God so has this!!

I get the keys on Friday and start packing in the meantime.  We aren't moving for at least another 2-3 weeks.  I hope to post some pictures of the new house soon!

Clinging to the Cross

Last week we sang the old hymn "The Old Rugged Cross".  I remember day that we would pull out our hymnals and go through the motion singing this song.  It was boring and there were a lot of versus.  Now at a church that sings these old hymns in a more contemporary way I have found them to be a bit more interesting.

Back to last week.  On Sunday we sang this song and it had a totally different meaning to me.  Like I said before I was breaking. I literally could not bare anymore.  This song spoke to me.  I felt the Holy Spirit whispering, "Just cling to the cross". That is what I have done all week.  Anytime my mind wonders and I find myself in an unhealthy thinking pattern this song pops in my head.

Thank you, Lord.  Thank you for that old rugged cross that I can cling to and can find comfort in!  You have won. There is victory in it.

1. On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross,
   The emblem of suff’ring and shame;
   And I love that old cross where the dearest and best
   For a world of lost sinners was slain.
   • Refrain:
     So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross,
     Till my trophies at last I lay down;
     I will cling to the old rugged cross,
     And exchange it some day for a crown.
2. Oh, that old rugged cross, so despised by the world,
   Has a wondrous attraction for me;
   For the dear Lamb of God left His glory above
   To bear it to dark Calvary.
3. In that old rugged cross, stained with blood so divine,
   A wondrous beauty I see,
   For ’twas on that old cross Jesus suffered and died,
   To pardon and sanctify me.
4. To the old rugged cross I will ever be true;
   Its shame and reproach gladly bear;
   Then He’ll call me some day to my home far away,
   Where His glory forever I’ll share.

God Clothes Us...........

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Matthew 6:25-34

Yesterday we had a little ding-dong-ditch at our home.  My children (and I) were incredibly blessed by a good samaritan.  I know who it was...but I also know they want to remain nameless..this is what I love about them.  They give without ever wanting glory.  The give because they are obedient to the Lord.  You see, the other day Troy was mentioning to a friend how the kids have outgrown their clothes. He mentioned that I was headed to the local thrift store to try to find something for them.  (BTW I found a few things but was not very successful.  Although I did happen upon shoes for both Ellie and Jackson and that was much needed). This family heard the need and provided in a huge way.  

My girls were so excited!  The even did a fashion show.  I would love to post pics and may do that later today.  So thank you to the family that did that for us.  You are a blessing to us but more importantly I know you will be blessed because of your obedience.  

 

Timing

We all know that God's timing is impeccable but I have to just say it again! 

WOW!!!

My post the other day was me letting go.  I typed out all of that and in that moment I let it all go.  I cast all my cares upon Him.  Not an hour after I posted it I got a call. It was a friend that I have not seen in a while.  She asked if she could stop by a minute.  Of course! (My house was a mess but she has been here before and the rule is I only clean for you once...then you get to see the real me!). So she showed up and she sat down and began to tell me about a family home that has been sitting empty.  She had made some calls and she wanted to know if we would be interested in staying there til we could get back on our feet. 

WHAT?!?!?! Seriously?!?!?!?

I didn't cry...yet! We asked about rent and the price was exactly what Troy and I have talked about (when talking about a reasonable budget). Then I cried.  I knew that the Lord knew what we could afford and that He was going to provide that for us.  We went to go and look at the home.  On the way there I prayed thanking God for an option.  This is the way we are looking at this. 

*I have spent too many months trying to manipulate scenarios into God's plan.  The littlest thing would happen and I would think 'This is God.  I know it is. It will work'. Not everything in life is God's will. So I couldn't go back to that.  I couldn't assume this was God's will.  But what I did know is that this was not coincidence. God was showing me that we had options.  

We looked at the house.  It needs work.  The kind that Troy and I can do and with a Lowe's discount; cheaply.  By the end, our potential landlord had lowered the rent by 50% if we would help with some projects around the house.

Troy and I were in shock.  We left with a promise to pray about it and then to get back to her. We don't know what God has in store.  A couple of friends have offered to help pack and even help move.  All things we may need.  I just don't know if it is time, yet.  Like I said; we are going to wait for the Lord to move us.  We are going to wait for His perfect timing.  What I do know is that if that house is where we should be then "it will be there when we get there".  A little line that Troy always says and something the Lord said to me.  There are so many other factors going on now.  We honestly can't make a decision yet. 

God is working.  I know He is.  He provided an envelope of cash for us yesterday.  Right when we needed pull-ups, gas and kitty litter.  You know the important stuff! It may sound trivial to you but God cares about those things and He shows us that with His timing!

Finding Bottom

Wow!  That is all I can say.  It has been months since I have posted and so much has happened.  I struggle to know if I should share the events one-by-one or just give you glimpses.  Too be honest there are so many things that I may bore you with a 10 page post.

This blog was set up as a way for me to share the journey of my faith-walk.  I think I will just start there.

We have been struggling financially and I have really tried hard to change that.  I have worked countless hours, I have fought with my husband to look for another job, I have sold items in my home, I have looked for another home, I have manipulated, I have even resorted to asking the government for help.  It has been utterly exhausting.  The burden is heavy.  I cannot continue to carry it any longer.

A dear friend of mine told me that I was going to have to hit bottom before I would be able to give all of that up.  Really hand it over to God.  So many times we say that we are giving something to the Lord and we take it back. We don't trust Him.  We think that He can't do it or that we can do it better.

"Just let me handle this" we say.

So for the last year this is what I have done.  I have given it over and I have taken it back.  God isn't fast enough for me.  Just tell me the plan. He is taking too long.  I know what is best!!!

The Lord loves me and He is slow to anger, I know because His Word says so.  Instead of striking me down He began to make life uncomfortable.  He began to take away things that I cherish most.  He changed relationships that I cherished.  He took away more and more income.  Finally, He took away my home.  The last thing on the list.  He took it.

I have found the bottom.  I cannot go any lower.  The weight of all of those things is so heavy that I may just break...wait...I am broken.

The Lord is strong, He is wise and He is good.  He broke me and immediately gave me a hand.  He met me where I was.  He said, "you may not have trusted Me, but I still love you". He showed me that I had been looking to others for answers and not Him.  I had been looking to others to help me and support me and not Him. All the while He was there. He was waiting with open arms.  Ready to take the load off of my shoulders and carry the burden for me.

I have literally cried for two days.  There are many reasons.  One: I am so overwhelmed by the graciousness of my father. Two: life is still happening and now I know that I really can't control it! Three: There is a big chapter in my life that I know is coming to a close.  This saddens me.  I will admit I am resistant to change!

In a nutshell that is it!  I know there is more that I can say but that is what I feel led to share today! Hope you all will find some encouragement in this today.

I should be writing a paper

but I am blogging instead!  God is so good.  He reminded me tonight of something..."Be still and know I am God".  The name of this blog is "Being Still".  He reminded me that He is in control and that He has already been there.  He told me tonight to "Be still". 

Yes, Lord.

I am not moving another inch.

These last couple of years have been hard but in the last 2 days I have heard so many people talk about God's provision in the lives of the Brown's.  It hit me tonight that through this all He is strengthening others.  He is teaching me how to persevere but He is allowing others to see who He is.

How cool is that?

We read about Simon this past weekend.  About obedience. About miracles performed. About glory that was witnessed by many.

We are like Simon.  We have hardship and the Lord says, "Here. Do this". If we obey and if we remain steadfast. He will sustain us and His glory will shine forever and ever.

To God be the Glory!!!

Update on 7 and other things

This week has not been great.  Since Troy lost his job I have been in a funk.  I know, I know, God has a plan. I am still frustrated and unsure.

Here are the positives:

1. Troy got a raise and 40 hours a week at Lowe's
2. Troy had 2 job interviews (at Lowe's) yesterday and it looks like one is very promising
3. Troy has been able to spend some quality time with Jackson
4. I have not blown 7. We are eating more healthy.
5. I have not turned to food as my comfort
6. I group of people (that I knew but did not do life with) has completely stepped up and is loving on the Brown's.

These are just a few.  I will post more about #6 on another day.  Troy and I feel a change and we are in prayer about #6.  

A new look to 7

Before I opened my eyes I prayed the words, "What is it that you want me to eat?". Only a mere 4 days ago I started the food fast for "7".  I have struggled adhering to it since day 1!  Why is that? Sterling was sure I was going to fail and drop out and to be honest I was too. 

The last few days I have been asking myself why am I doing this?  There has to be a really good reason.  I couldn't think of one.  Mrs. Hatmaker makes great strides when it comes to her fast from her favorite foods. Am I going to too? Then someone said to me, "Are you sure this is what you should be focused on right now?". 

I have been thinking about those words.  I will say that I have not adhered to my original list of foods but what I have done is make a change in my diet.  I have been pouring over blogs, looking up information on the internet, watching documentaries etc. I have been looking at how I abuse food instead of using it to nourish my body. 

So today when I prayed those 9 words I felt like the Lord was leading me on a different path than my original plan of "7".  I also realized that I NEVER prayed about the first plan!  I haven't talked to my partner about this yet but I will.  Instead of only eating seven foods for a month I am going to start by cutting out 7 unhealthy things that are in our diet.  I will be more conscience when I shop and will only buy foods that are meant to enrich our diets not fill us with empty calories. 

I have already ordered some organic products online which included some seeds for a garden.  Each year we try a garden and are never really successful.  This year I am committed to taking the time with my family to work on it.  Growing food to live not living for the food.

Here are some things that are starting on the list.  I don't know if I will only do 7 this month or if it will be more.  I also don't know how long this will go on...meaning how long I will keep cutting out products.  What I do know is that instead of throwing everything out and shocking my kids systems in one day I will slowly transition them.  So this will stick!

No Dye: Especially Red 40 and Yellow 6 (we have done this before, it is time to get back on track!)
No High Fructose Corn Syrup (it is in EVERYTHING!)
Only Organic fruits and veggies
No sugary cereal (cutting out dye and HFCS will take care of this!)
Only organic peanut butter
No preservatives 
Nothing with more than 5 ingredients (if the label has more than 5 we won't be buying it, unless it is like my cereal that I just bought.  It is an organic flax cereal with about 7 ingredients.  All of the ingredients are recognizable and good for you so I let it slide!)
Homemade bread- (I found out that most breads have more than 20 ingredients in them. I am going to try to make bread, we will see how that works.)

That is 8 items. Hopefully looking at food in a whole new way will help me to not abuse it.  Not to mention my family will be so much healthier!

The New Ride

Troy and I celebrated ten years of marriage yesterday! The last two years have been tough.  Yesterday, milestones were met and it felt good!

We are currently in the process of fixing major issues with our home.  Things that we have let slide because we just didn't have the funds to take care of them.  Right now we are getting new flooring, new windows and repairing our foundation. These are all HUGE things.  Troy said it best, "It feels like all the hard work is paying off."

Yesterday Troy came home early from work.  He stopped by the car lot to have a look and found something that was very affordable.  Now, let me start out by saying that he ALWAYS looks and there is NEVER anything affordable.  We have friends that get great deals all the time and we NEVER can find these deals.  About 3 years ago the Lord showed me that this was because it was not our time, yet.  So with yesterday's great deal we decided to go for it.  We knew that if it was meant to be that it would be and if not, like the thousand times before, God would shut the door.  Well, He blew it wide open. 

Troy bought a truck. He has wanted a full size, new to him, truck for so long.  He has worked 7 days a week and has handed over every penny to the "Brown Family Fund".  We have not been able to do anything extra with our money.  We have used it to get by and we were doing poorly at that! Yesterday I was able to write a check and trade a car and he was able to drive off the lot in truck!

As a wife, it felt good to see my husband do something like that.  There are parts of me that really wanted to get a family vehicle.  Parts that are a bit envious of his new ride. But the part that is happy that he is happy is much bigger. We still will need to get a family car.  My children have been blessed with really long legs and at almost 9 and 6 they are already running out of room in our little Honda.  Plus I have plans for that car....for someone else.  I know the right family car will come along and like yesterday, God will blow the door open and there will be a way.

I keep thinking of the words that He spoke to me, "Don't look to man. Look to Me." My eyes are upward, Lord.  Thank you for your faithfulness to Troy and I. Thank you for your provision in our lives, even when it was not as abundant as we would have wished.  It was always enough.

God is in the details

As you may or may not know I had a hysterectomy last week.  This is something that I have known that I should do for a very long time.  My doctor told me after I had Char that if my laparoscopy (that cleaned out the endometriosis) did not work then I would need to have a hysterectomy.  This was a tough pill to swallow.  I knew that we were done getting pregnant; just wasn't ready to take the plunge. 

About 3 weeks ago I began having pain that was worse than normal.  Something made me go to the ER.  I did and found out that on top of the endometriosis I had fibroids on my uterus.  I immediately broke down.  I knew this was the end of the road.  I knew that Dr. L would not let me go another month with this. 

Sure enough 2 weeks later I had surgery.  Before the surgery I prayed for peace in the decision.  I knew God had other plans for us.  I knew that this was best for my health.  But I was just struggling with the decision. The day of surgery I woke up rested and at complete peace.  This was the right thing to do.

Yesterday I received the pathology report from my surgery.  The findings were significant for fibroids..duh.  And then the big one I had "precancerous changes on my cervix".  I froze.  I couldn't move.  I kept saying "What?" over and over again.  Fear hit me immediately. I was reminded by a dear friend that I no longer had a cervix!  They took it out!!  And then she reminded me of how the Lord was in the details of this surgery.  I went in for one thing but was potentially saved from something else. 

I will still have to get tests done and she still wants to monitor me closely but I am so grateful that I had the surgery.